Before Watchmen: Over-inflating insignificant details

Sex played an interesting role in Alan Moore's Watchmen. It seemed to me that one of his arguments was that the role of a superhero would be most appealing for sexual deviants — homosexuals or people with some sort of fetish. Nite Owl fell into the latter category, being able to only be truly aroused when he was wearing his mask. Since that was a pretty big part of his character, it only makes sense that J. Michael Straczynski and Andy Kubert would explore this more. Unfortunately, I feel like putting contextless soft porn on a cover attracts the wrong kind of audience. I'm reminded of director Zack Snyder, who openly and frequently gushed about how much he loved Watchmen because it had sex in it. But when he actually made a movie about it, he demonstrated a significant lack of understanding the source material.

Unfortunately, I'm not much of a fan of Chris Samnee's variant cover, either. He is one of my favorite artists out there, but this was not his best work. Besides not doing a good job of conveying what this story is about, the characters just look off. I think Samnee's style lends itself more toward Darwyn Cooke's bright and bold Minutemen series. This Nite Owl series all about trauma and sex is not the ideal avenue for Samnee.

This issue opens with Nite Owl deepening his relationship with the Twilight Lady, while Rorschach (as church custodian Walter Kovacs) grows closer to Reverend Dean. The Twilight Lady leads Nite Owl to a man named Carlos, who recruits immigrant women into a life of prostitution. More troubling is how many of these women suddenly go missing, presumed dead. Nite Owl takes down Carlos' men and interrogates him by hanging him upside down above a toilet. The only information he's able to get from Carlos are a few phone numbers, but before he can investigate them, he needs to have sex with the Twilight Lady. Not only do we get an inordinate amount of time discussing Dan's past trauma of his abusive father, but we also find out that this was Dan's first time having sex! 

When Dan finally gets back to the investigation, he finds one of Carlos' phone numbers connects to a pay phone. So he takes the receiver back to Hollis Mason's garage to try to extract some fingerprints from it. Despite the early time of day, Hollis is already heavily drinking. He sadly calls himself a hypocrite and apologizes for lecturing Dan about the Nite Owl's reputation. Hollis doesn't go into any details, but he leaves Dan with a copy of his manuscript and says he can read it if he wants. Dan is nervous to explore his hero's dark secrets, but his curiosity gets the better of him and he sadly begins to learn the truths of Under the Hood.

The story ends with Rorschach making a shocking discovery: Reverend Dean's basement is full of dozens of dead bodies. At least one woman is still alive when Rorschach stumbled upon this grisly scene. But before he can rescue her, he's shot in the shoulder by the Reverend.

In the original Watchmen, the Twilight Lady was nothing more than a sexual fantasy for Dan. Presumably someone only pretending to be a super villain so she could sleep with the famous Nite Owl. Nothing more. Straczynski decided to flesh out this little throwaway detail to comical extremes. Not only is the Twilight Lady now a noble hero playfully defying the conventions of her appearance and profession, but she was Dan's first true love! I guess we can also assume that she was the one who resolved Dan's childhood trauma, which is why he never mentioned it in Moore's story!

It annoys me so much to see sequels and prequels turn minor details into major events. It reeks of a lack of originality. Of course, there is some original work in this issue. And it's actually rather interesting. The only problem is it's all about Rorschach. Yes, I'm sure next issue will reveal that Reverend Dean has been killing Carlos' girls, which is a nice way to connect the two stories. But this just adds more fuel to my theory that Straczynski really, really wanted to write a Rorschach story instead.

Redrafting the Jazz: 1986

I have been cursed by a witch to repeatedly travel back through time to relive every NBA draft. Fortunately, her spell sends me directly to the Utah Jazz war room on draft night and all the executives magically know I’m from the future and will do whatever I say. Unfortunately, the curse prevents me from seeing how my advice altered the future, as I am sent back to the previous year as soon as draft night ends.

June 17, 1986 – Madison Square Garden, New York City

Previous season:

The 1985-86 season was a year of transition for the Jazz. Karl Malone made an immediate impact and finished third in Rookie of the Year voting. Of course, his emergence meant that All-Star Adrian Dantley was quickly becoming redundant. The Jazz ended up trading Dantley in the offseason, partly due to the redundancy factor but mostly due to his frequent spats with head coach Frank Layden and team owner Larry Miller. There also was a bit of concern that Dantley was a bad influence on Malone, as he had instructed the youngster to save his body by not diving for loose balls (and also because it was making Dantley look bad).

Utah's best shooting guard, Darrell Griffith, missed the entire season with a stress fracture in his foot, leaving the Jazz with a mediocre back court of Bob Hansen and Rickey Green. Layden stubbornly insisted on keeping Stockton on the bench, even though he led the team in assists and steals. All this added up to a ho-hum 42-40 record. Dantley didn't play in the playoffs, and the Jazz lost to Dallas in four games in the first round.

The draft:

The Jazz used the 15th pick on Dell Curry, a swingman from Virginia Tech.

Utah didn't have a second-round pick because of a 1984 trade where they sent two second-round picks to San Antonio for Fred Roberts. (The Jazz quickly got sick of Roberts and traded him in 1986 to Boston for a third-round pick.)

In the third round, the Jazz drafted two centers — Minnesota's John Shasky at No. 61 and Rocky Mountain's Bill Breeding at No. 63.

In the fourth round, Utah picked DePaul forward Marty Embry at No. 84.

In the fifth round, the Jazz drafted Cal State Fullerton forward Kerry Boagni at No. 107.

In the sixth round, Utah took Villanova center Chuck Everson at No. 130.

And finally, with the 153rd pick in the seventh round, the Jazz drafted Hartford forward Mark Mitchell.

Analysis:

Dell Curry may not have had nearly as good a career as his son Steph, but he still put together a rather respectable run. He was the 1994 Sixth Man of the Year and led the league in 3-point percentage in 1999. And back in 1986, he was considered a bit of a steal for the Jazz on draft night. And it made a lot of sense to add a sharpshooter to a team that really only had one decent 3-point shooter — the injured Darrell Griffith. Unfortunately, Curry only played sparingly during his rookie year and the Jazz traded him away in 1987. Apparently the Jazz were displeased with Curry's work ethic and the final straw was watching him get outplayed by a bunch of nobodies in the summer league. Curry later talked fondly about his lone season in Utah, saying it helped teach him how to be more professional, so it seems like this trade was a wake-up call for him. It didn't help the Jazz too much, though. They sent Curry and Kent Benson to Cleveland for Darryl Dawkins and Melvin Turpin. Dawkins (well past his prime) was quickly shipped off to Detroit for a couple of second-round picks and Turpin soon lived up to his unflattering nickname of "Dinner Bell Mel" and was released by the Jazz after one season. All this to say that we can find a better pick for the Jazz!

The logical choice is Jeff Hornacek. He was the perfect fit for the Jazz, culturally and from a skill-set perspective. He would have done everything Utah wanted Curry to do, with the added bonus of perfectly complimenting Malone and Stockton. As a kid, watching Hornacek hobble around on his cartilage-depleted knees made me wish the Jazz could have had a young, fresh Hornack. This is a lifelong dream for me — a complete no-brainer! So why do I hesitate? Well, to quote a joke my dad liked to make, "He's not My-vydas. He's not Your-vydas. He's Arvydas!"

Arvydas Sabonis is one of the greatest what-ifs in NBA history. In the 80s, he was one of the best players on the planet, but was forbidden from leaving the Soviet Union until 1989. But by then, Sabonis had suffered a series of injuries and was worried about how well he'd perform in the NBA. So he signed with a team in Spain instead of the Portland Trail Blazers (who owned his draft rights). Sabonis spent the next six years dominating in Spain and the Blazers kind of just forgot about him. Until they got a new general manager who finally convinced Sabonis to join the NBA in 1995. Sabonis only played seven years in the league, but his passing and 3-point shooting helped make him a productive player, despite his limited mobility. 

Call me crazy, but I really, really want the Jazz to take Sabonis. In a worst-case scenario, he doesn't join the team until 1995, when Utah's biggest weakness is at center and Sabonis could probably help propel those otherwise great Jazz teams to the top. But I also think there's a decent chance the Jazz could persuade Sabonis to join the NBA earlier, perhaps as soon as 1992 — after his first Spanish contract expired. This possibility is too tantalizing for me to resist. And I can take some comfort in knowing the Jazz would still eventually get Hornacek (especially if this witch's curse compels the Utah front office to believe every word I say).

As for the rest of Utah's six draft picks? None of them made the Jazz roster. And only one of them, John Shasky, played in any NBA games. These guys are all completely inconsequential, and I unfortunately don't have any incredible replacements for them. (Shasky was taken one spot after Drazen Petrovic, who was also drafted by Portland.) So I'm not going to waste too much time on my recommendations with those picks.

My advice:

1. Use the 15th pick on Arvydas Sabonis.

2. Use the 61st pick on Dave Hoppen.

3. Use the 63rd pick on Anthony Bowie.

4. Use the 84th pick on Pete Myers.

5. Use the 107th pick on Tim Kempton.

6. Use the 133rd pick on Anthony Frederick.

7. Use the 153rd pick on Kelvin Upshaw.

I still can't believe that I'm turning my back on Jeff Hornacek. I just don't know if he would have made enough of a difference in those early days to justify passing on the potential of Sabonis. Those early Stockton-Malone teams had to rely too much on Thurl Bailey and Mark Eaton, and I can't really see Hornacek being able to compensate entirely for that. But if you manage to get Sabonis a little earlier and a little more mobile, and then still get Hornacek through some trade, then you might have a really special team.

Before Watchmen: Riot time!

Three issues into this Comedian series, and I'm still trying to figure out what Brian Azzarello and J.G. Jones are trying to say. Jones delivers a competent cover once again, but a rather dull one — an unfortunate followup to his rather innovative artwork for issue #2. I feel like it's a bit of a cheat to use a newspaper to tell the readers what's happening at the moment. At first I was a little sad to see the Comedian's left Vietnam for Los Angeles, but then I remembered how lackluster Azzarello's generic Vietnam story was. So I'm not exactly sure how I feel. It certainly isn't excitement.

I was, however, excited by the variant cover. It was drawn by one of my favorite artists of all time, John Paul Leon, who tragically passed away in 2021 at the age of 49 after a lengthy battle with cancer. Leon's brutally realistic style is perfect for the Watchmen universe, especially the Comedian. It was a real missed opportunity for DC that they didn't involve Leon more on this project. One detail I absolutely love on this cover — but can't fully explain why — is the solid yellow dot representing the Comedian's smiley face button. It's the only bit on the cover that isn't a shade of red and it looks so much more haunting with the smiley face removed.

This issue tells the story of Eddie Blake returning to America after spending more than a year in Vietnam. He's genuinely surprised to see a crowd of protesters at the airport. One of the protesters looks remarkably like Eddie's daughter, Laurie, and he makes an honest effort to explain his actions to her. But he's interrupted when someone throws a tomato at the girl, hitting her in the back of the head. A group of pro-war protesters has shown up to beat back the anti-war protesters and make room for the Comedian, whom they decree a "super patriot." Seeing the mistreatment of that innocent girl filled Eddie with more rage than he'd felt in his life up to that point. But instead of giving in to his violent instincts, Eddie walked away and took some time to reflect.

Eddie realized he had let the Army lead him from being who he really was. When he heard about rioting in Los Angeles, he felt like the city was crying out for his nihilistic messaging. The Comedian showed up at the riots, wearing his usual costume, but now with his face painted like his bright yellow smiley face. He boldly walks past the police and converses with a few of the Black activists leading the protests. Eddie tells them they should be laughing, since it is a riot, after all. And to demonstrate that the world will see what it wants to see, he opens fire on several stores. The activist leaders cry out in vain to prevent the ensuing looting, but too many of their fellow rioters couldn't resist the temptation of free electronics and jewelry.

When the police chief scolds the Comedian for making the situation worse, Eddie responds by throwing dog poop in his face. Later, Eddie's old friend, Robert Kennedy, tells him he needs to apologize to the chief. Eddie refuses, pointing out how nobody seems concerned with the 34 people who were killed in the riot. They were more concerned with the symbol of authority being disrespected.

I'm glad that Azzarello didn't rehash the police strike riots from the main Watchmen series. I'm sure the temptation was high, but this generic riot served the story better. It doesn't matter how the riot started or what its goals were. Its purpose was to provide the Comedian a vehicle to demonstrate how human nature can undermine any cause. I'm sure many of the rioters initially joined the fray for righteous, noble reasons. But the second Eddie opened up the stores to them, the need for instant gratification overrode any lofty ideals such as racial equality, which wasn't ever going to be solved through the riot anyway. 

It was also rather interesting seeing Eddie become disgusted by the very people who praised him as a hero. Those pro-war protesters weren't necessarily advocating for more violence in Vietnam, they were more concerned with upholding the symbol of authority. The Comedian represents the government of the United States of America, and in these people's eyes, this automatically means all his actions are just and righteous. It's interesting to think if Eddie would have been inclined to agree with them, had he not seen a vision of his daughter in the anti-war crowd. I think he would have eventually arrived at the same conclusion — he never was one to deify authority, but merely exploit it to pursue his own violent passions. But it was nice to have the contrast between the two groups help set up the finale of this issue.

While working for the people in power, Eddie is free to destroy as many businesses as he pleases and anybody he kills gets chalked up to "self defense." But throwing a piece of poop at the chief of police is crossing a line. It's all a joke, as Eddie tells Robert Kennedy. But that won't stop him from enjoying his Hawaiian vacation.

I started this by saying I didn't know what Azzarello was trying to say with this series. I now think I do.