Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

The first Fantastic Four movie was pretty terrible (I gave it a 0 out of 10). However, it made enough money to warrant a sequel, so in 2007, Fox produced Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. This was an exciting prospect, since all comic fans know that when the Silver Surfer appears, Galactus isn't far behind, and few things could be cooler than seeing the Fantastic Four battle the devourer of worlds. However, this movie returned everybody who worked on the first one, including the awful director, Tim Story, which pretty much ensured this movie's failure.

The start of the movie was unbearably painful. We're given a very mundane sampling of their powers filled with an overwhelming amount of cheesy humor. Then we get the "hilarious" scene of the Fantastic Four being forced to ride coach! It was great, because Mr. Fantastic got to use his stretching power to sneak a bag into the overhead bin across the aisle, and, get this, the Thing had to sit in the middle! Can you imagine that? The Thing? In the middle?! Oh, I'm dying with laughter already. And then, of course, the Human Torch is too cool to fly coach, so he flies alongside the airplane with his fire powers! Awesome! Maybe if you're four years old. OK, first of all, why would the Fantastic Four ever have to fly coach? They are international celebrity heroes. Everybody is talking about them on the news and everybody wants to get their picture taken with them. Who on Earth is more important than them and gets to stay in first class, while the Thing probably destroys a couple of seats in coach? Secondly, what a boring way to introduce these characters and their powers. I want to see them fight somebody! The Fantastic Four has been around for 50 years — they have plenty of villains to choose from! Even if you don't want to use a real super villain, at least show them stop a regular bank robber. Come on! This is a superhero movie!

We then go through the annoying wedding buildup (which I did not care for in the slightest), and then we get to the. Worst. Stan Lee. Cameo. Ever. He's appeared in almost every Marvel movie ever made, ranging from an almost unseen crowd member in Spider-Man, to this, where he literally says, "I'm Stan Lee!" The weird thing is the wedding usher responds to that with, "Nice try!" implying that he knows who Stan Lee is but doesn't think the old man in front of him (with the classic dark glasses, slicked-back hair and mustache) is the real Stan Lee. OK, so let's pretend that Stan Lee exists in this universe. We don't see or here any mention of other superheroes, so I guess we can assume that Spider-Man, X-Men and the rest only exist in comics and Stan Lee invented them, but not the Fantastic Four because they're real. So in this reality, Stan Lee is a well-known celebrity, but the usher doesn't recognize him. How? Why? Ahh, my mind is beginning to melt all thanks to this stupid 10-second scene! Curse you Marvel!

Now, I do actually have to give some credit to this movie. In the last one, the special effects were quite awful by today's standards. In this movie, the effects generally aren't that much better (Human Torch still looks weird), but the Silver Surfer does look good. You can tell that's where they put all their money, which paid off — especially for the first time you got a good look at him, which was a pretty nice shot.

After his encounter with the Silver Surfer, Johnny gains the ability to swap powers with whoever he touches. To me, this completely came off as a plot device to set up a scene where Sue could again become naked in public and the Thing could again become human so we could see the real actor's face. The whole thing felt completely contrived, almost like it was hasty addition to the script due to a clause in the actors' contracts. Regardless, it was a quite boring plot line. I never wanted to see what the Fantastic Four would look like with swapped powers, and this movie failed to convince me that such an idea could ever be interesting, dramatic or funny.

The Fantastic Four actually very rarely use their powers to help people. One time they actually did was to save the giant ferris wheel in London, which was a lot better than them saving the firetruck in the first movie. It was kind of weird, though, when Johnny "messed up" and everybody got mad at him, like even people outside the team were chewing him out, really for no reason at all.

Speaking of people getting mad for no reason, the Army general was furious with the Fantastic Four for "failing" (even though they did just save hundreds of lives). He then purposefully recruits their arch enemy, known murderer Dr. Victor von Doom. I was happy, though, to see them actually make Doom look smart and invent a gadget or two — in the first movie, he was nothing more than a narcissistic businessman, but here, they actually went back to his roots and made him a scientist. Of course, his ultimate plan is deeply flawed. Doom understands that Galactus is coming and will destroy the Earth within the week, so he teams up with the Fantastic Four to save the planet. He then discovers a way to steal and control the silver surfboard, but then what? Does he think he can stop Galactus himself? It just didn't make any sense.

But I am getting a little ahead of myself. First I need to criticize all the pointless, boring side plots. Johnny Storm, one of the most famous people in the world and constantly going on dates with any and every woman he sees, decides that he really is very lonely and needs a real girlfriend. When he sees the inordinately angry general's unnaturally hot assistant, he instantly falls in love with her and spends the better half of the movie pursuing her for no reason. Naturally, she hates him for no reason, until the very end when she shows up as Johnny's date to the big wedding in Japan. Yawn. Oh, and remember her boss? The general who was constantly furious with and disappointed in Reed Richards? Well, apparently the two of them had a high school rivalry, I guess. But don't worry, everything is smoothed over when Reed delivers a heroic speech about how science is cool and jocks shouldn't make fun of nerds, or something like that. Everybody is impressed with Reed from that moment, and then the general is killed by Dr. Doom and nobody cares. Such drama!

I also didn't car about their flying car. I know it was in the comics, but I think they still could have improved it, or at least done a better job setting it up. So, going all the way back to the beginning of the movie, we see Reed working on a "top secret" project, which turned out to be this flying car. Apparently he had had enough with flying coach. Anyway, we skip ahead to Dr. Doom stealing the surfboard and they all say, "There's no way we can catch him now!" But Reed just smiles, and activates the flying car, which instantly zooms to their side. Wait a minute! That thing was up and running this whole time? Why didn't you use it to chase around the Silver Surfer earlier? I guess I'm not supposed to ask those questions. I'm also not supposed to ask why this ship has four seats, when the Human Torch can already fly on his own, nor am I supposed to ask why the ship can only split into three parts. I think originally in the comics, Stan Lee thought it would've been absurd to let a woman drive a flying car, so he kept her with her husband. In this movie, they got around that awkwardness by putting the Silver Surfer in the non-flying seat. Whatever. I don't even care anymore.

Actually, I guess I do kind of still care because the ultimate climax of this movie was so, so stupid. They had to take down the surfing Dr. Doom, but Johnny says, "He's too strong for me!" Thing says, "I could take him, but he'd see me coming from a mile away!" All they were missing was somebody saying, "If only I were a little more flexible ..." Ugh! I hate when they have to set everything up like this! Plus, combining all the Fantastic Four's powers into one person takes away the great team dynamic of these heroes. If I want to watch a movie with one hero with a bunch of powers, I'll go watch Superman. Actually, that's not a bad idea. I'll go see Man of Steel on June 14.

And now for the biggest problem of the movie. We were promised and teased a Galactus sighting since the opening credits. And then ... we never see him! Yes, I know Galactus has a difficult design that can easily look stupid in the wrong hands. But for skilled artists, he is the most intimidating villain in the Marvel universe. And all we got were a bunch of clouds. It's almost like the CGI team said, "You want us to design what? No way! We'll do clouds — they're way easier and cheaper!" Equally disappointing is the fact that the Fantastic Four did not drive away the cloudy Galactus — it was the guest star Silver Surfer. And he did so in a vague and annoying way. He flew up into the clouds and for some reason needed the Human Torch to stabilize his board, then he told Galactus to go away and gathered up all his energy. Then there was a big flash of light and Galactus was gone and everything was back to normal. No! I want the heroes of the show to save the day! I want the Fantastic Four to directly confront this enormous threat and come out victorious. In the comics, Uatu the Watcher (who actually interferes more than watches) took the Human Torch to Galactus' home world to acquire the Ultimate Nullifier, which Mr. Fantastic threatened to use on Galactus, causing him to leave Earth. In this movie, they could have easily omitted Uatu and just had Reed use his brilliant mind to invent the Ultimate Nullifier. That would've been better than watching the guest star create a vague energy blast.

Oh, such a disappointing film that actually had some promise. But, at the end of the day, this is better than the first Fantastic Four movie. So on that merit alone, I will award a pity point.

Final score: 1

What if the Jazz kept Moses Malone?

In case you don't recognize him, this is 19-year-old Moses Malone playing his rookie season with the ABA's Utah Stars in 1974-75. Not only did the Hall of Famer spend one professional season in Utah, but he could have spent some time with the NBA team that eventually relocated to Utah. And so, since I haven't written about sports in far too long, I've decided to begin a series of "what ifs" in Jazz history. I went looking and couldn't find a satisfying list of Jazz what ifs. Most of them involved the Jazz winning specific games, but I don't think that's fair. Once the team is on the floor, there's nothing you can do. The best team usually always wins — especially in a best-of-7 series — and that's that. In my opinion, the most intriguing what ifs involve human decision from the front office that determines the roster of the team. What if they signed this guy? What if they drafted him? What if they didn't trade that guy? So, starting in chronological order, I will begin to examine the biggest what ifs in New Orleans/Utah Jazz history.

I have to credit Bill Simmons' The Book of Basketball for serving as my inspiration. He devoted one chapter to the 33 greatest what ifs in NBA history. (The awkward number comes from his devotion to Larry Bird.) No. 6 on his list was "What if New Orleans kept the rights to Moses Malone?" He explained the issue fairly well in two-and-a-half pages, and was plenty funny while doing it, too, but in my limited research, I've found he did skip a couple of important details, probably because they weren't funny enough. So let me try to give the story the justice it deserves, keeping in mind that all this happened long before I was born.

In 1974, Moses Malone was drafted in the third round of the ABA Draft by the Utah Stars, making the unprecedented leap from high school to the pros. Moses was an immediate success, averaging 18.8 points and 14.6 rebounds per game. Moses teamed up with Ron Boone, who was having the best season of his career (25 ppg and nearly 5 rpg and 5 apg), but the Stars went 38-46, replaced their coach Bucky Buckwalter with Tom Nissalke mid-season, and lost to Denver in six games in the first round of the playoffs. But even more disturbing was the financial state of the team. Utah's owner, Bill Daniels, was practically broke after a series of failed business ventures and an unsuccessful run for governor of Colorado. He tried to sell the team twice, but both times the new owners had to quickly give the team back because they couldn't afford the team. This kind of stuff just doesn't happen these days.

After 16 games into the 1975-76 season, the ABA finally shut down the Stars for not being able to pay its players. Moses and Boone were sold to the Spirits of St. Louis and Daniels was given 10% of that team, which also was going through financial difficulties and even wanted to relocate to Salt Lake. During this period of uncertainty, the New Orleans Jazz became curious about signing Moses. Now, the '70s were pure basketball chaos in terms of contracts and draft rights and the like, seeing as there were two professional associations that each had its own rules and methods. It wasn't uncommon for players to be drafted both by the NBA and ABA. So basically nobody knew what to do. But one thing was clear in 1975 — the ABA was struggling mightily.

Now this next part escaped Bill Simmons in his book, but I found the details in a Bangor Daily News article from Dec. 31, 1975. Apparently, Moses Malone's contract had a no-sell, no-trade clause, and since his contract was sold to St. Louis, he felt his ABA contract was in default. His attorneys contacted  NBA deputy commissioner Simon Gourdine, who approached commissioner Larry O'Brien, who decided to hold a special draft similar to the NFL's supplemental draft. According to the Bangor Daily News, this draft was specifically for ABA players who were not drafted by the NBA because they were underclassman, and were from college classes that hadn't yet graduated. This very specific status applied to exactly five players, including Moses Malone. Like the NFL supplemental draft, each team that participated in this draft would have to forfeit a future pick in the regular draft. New Orleans took Moses in the first round, surrendering its 1977 pick because it had already traded away its 1976 pick.

To understand why the Jazz didn't keep Moses, we're going to need to review a bit of the early Jazz history. The New Orleans Jazz were created in 1974 as the 18th team in the National Basketball Association. Their first move after the expansion draft was to acquire local legend Pete Maravich from the Atlanta Hawks. This was a no-brainer, but they paid a fairly steep price for him: Bob Kauffman, Dean Meminger, a 1974 first-round pick (which became former Ute Mike Sojourner), a 1975 first-round pick (David Thompson), a 1975 second-round pick (Bill Willoughby), a 1976 second-round pick (Alex English) and a 1980 third-round pick (Jonathan Moore). So to recap, that was two current players and five future draft picks all for the guy who averaged 44 ppg at LSU. I find this trade fascinating, so I'm going to put Moses on hold and break this down player by player.

Bob Kauffman was a six-year veteran when the Jazz acquired him in the expansion draft from the Buffalo Braves. While at Buffalo, Kauffman put up a 20-10 and made three All-Star games, but he must have gotten hurt in 1973, because his production dropped exponentially that season and he ended up retiring in 1975. So while it would have been nice for this new franchise to have had a veteran presence on the roster, he realistically wouldn't have produced much, so trading him was excusable.

Dean Meminger was a three-year pro, who was a bench player for the 1973 Knicks championship team. His peak was in 1974, when he averaged 8 points per game. But injuries quickly claimed his career, too, and he was out of the league by 1977. So no loss for the Jazz here, either.

The 1974 first-round pick was inexcusable in my opinion. New, young teams desperately depend on the draft to build their future, but owner Sam Battisone and president of basketball operations Bill Bertka really didn't know what they were doing and grossly underestimated the value of draft picks. Of course, this first pick didn't turn into anything special. The '74 pick ended up being No. 10, which the Hawks used to take Mike Sojourner from the University of Utah. He only played three years with Atlanta before retiring with averages of 8.7 ppg and 6.5 rpg. So had the Jazz kept the pick and taken Sojourner at No. 10, they wouldn't have gotten much. But the No. 11 guy was Hall of Famer Jamaal Wilkes, so they would've had that option available.

The 1975 first-rounder became the No. 1 overall pick. Atlanta used it on Hall of Famer David Thompson, who was by far the best player available. Thompson was also the No. 1 pick in the ABA, which he chose over the NBA, because he apparently was insulted by Atlanta trying to court him with a meal at McDonald's. He may have always wanted to go to the ABA anyway, because it was flashier and the "more exciting" league at the time, even though it was losing teams left and right. Anyway, there was nobody else in this draft who could have conceivably been drafted ahead of Thompson, but it is highly unlikely the mismanaged Jazz would have done a better job than Atlanta at persuading the  Skywalker to play in the NBA. Heck, the Jazz probably wouldn't have even been able to afford McDonald's.

With the 1975 second-round pick, Atlanta chose Bill Willoughby, who did play nine years in the NBA, but only averaged 6 ppg, so nothing too special there. The 1976 second-round pick, was pretty special, though. Atlanta traded it to Milwaukee, who used it to draft Hall of Famer Alex English. By the way, the Jazz didn't have their first-rounder in '76 thanks to a 1974 trade where they packaged the pick with three players for inept center Neal Walk. That '76 first-rounder became the 6th overall pick, which was used to take, you guessed it, another Hall of Famer — Adrian Dantley. But if the Jazz decided they didn't want him, they could have chosen the No. 8 pick, Hall of Fame center Robert Parish.

The 1980 third-round pick was wholly inconsequential, as Jonathan Moore never played in the NBA. Besides, the Jazz had already moved to Utah by that point. But what we see here is through two trades early in franchise history, the Jazz gave up the chance to draft four Hall of Famers (assuming they took two in '76). They gave away all that potential just to acquire two players: Pete Maravich and Neal Walk. Walk, by the way, averaged 9.9 ppg and 7.1 rpg in 37 games before the Jazz traded him for Henry Bibby, who averaged 8.9 ppg. So that Walk trade was nothing to write home about. But was the Maravich trade worth it?

There is no denying that Pistol Pete was pretty darn good. At the time of the trade, he was averaging 27.7 ppg, 5.2 apg and 4.9 rpg. He put up similar numbers in New Orleans, peaking in 1976-77 with a league-high 31.1 ppg. But he could never help the Jazz win more than 39 games in a season. And his hometown hero status combined with his flashy, entertaining style of play couldn't bring in enough fans to keep the franchise fiscally stable. But not all that was Maravich's fault. The Jazz's front office was unprepared to manage a professional basketball team. They first started playing games in the Loyola University Fieldhouse, which had a raised court that required a net around it to protect the players. They then moved to the Superdome, which is ridiculously too large for an average basketball game. The Jazz were also quite low on the Superdome's priority list, so they would often have to play long stretches of road games and were never sure they'd have a home court for a playoff game. (Luckily for them, that never became an issue.) The Jazz also did a very poor job of assembling a team around their local superstar. In their first season, the Jazz went through three different coaches and 22 players. Poor Pistol never had a chance to succeed.

Just for another fun quick tangent within my monstrously large tangent, here's some highlights from that original Jazz roster: Rick Adelman, who went on to have a much more memorable coaching career; 35-year-old Hall of Famer Walt Bellamy, who played exactly one game for the Jazz before retiring; Henry Bibby, more famous now for his son Mike; E.C. Coleman, who became the first Jazz player to make the All-Defensive 1st Team; BYU's Bernie Fryer, who only played two years in the league and averaged 6.3 ppg; and Utah State's Nate Williams, who actually was the team's second-leading scorer at 14.3 ppg. In other words, the team was Pete Maravich and 21 other guys. I understand the Jazz's overwhelming desire to bring in the local legend, and their lack of any valuable trade assets, but they really should not have thrown away their future like that. An expansion team's best friend is the draft, but the Jazz didn't realize that.

So now I think I've clearly demonstrated that this young NBA team had an incredible lack of foresight and was wholly incapable of producing a team that was successful financially and in the win column. This is all relevant in understanding why the Jazz didn't sign Moses Malone. To set the stage, let's go back to the end of the 1975-76 season.

The Jazz had improved to 38-44, probably thanks to some much-needed stability. They only had one coach, Butch van Breda Kolff, and they officially moved into the Superdome, saying goodbye once and for all to the net court. Pistol Pete only played 62 games, but he averaged 25.9 ppg and only had 12 different teammates, as it should be. Things were starting to look up, and with the impending ABA merger, the Jazz found themselves with the rights to one of that league's top talents — Moses Malone. But instead of signing him, the Jazz surrendered his rights to reacquire their previously forfeited 1977 first-round pick. Moses went back into the regular ABA dispersal draft and was picked by Portland, who immediately traded him to Buffalo, who quickly traded him to Houston.

This move flabbergasted Bill Simmons. In his book, he was quick to point out that van Breda Kolff was a drunk and probably thought Moses was an idiot. While Simmons' take was informative and humorous, he did overlook the biggest and most obvious reason for the Jazz passing on Moses — New Orleans couldn't afford him. Using today's logic, Moses would still have been under a cheap rookie contract. But it didn't work that way back then. Moses was already a star at age 20 and was making around $350,000 a year, which was quite a bit for the time. Especially for a brand new team that didn't even have its own arena. Unfortunately, Bill Simmons chose to be funny instead of accurate. But here is my proof: a Daytona Beach Morning Journal article from June 1976. The article quotes Jazz general counsel Sheldon Beychok as saying, "He's an expensive ball player and we're a poor franchise."

So there you have it. The Jazz couldn't afford Moses and he went on to have a Hall of Fame career with three MVPs and a championship with the 1983 Philadelphia 76ers. He also had his career rebounding game (37) against the New Orleans Jazz. A little bitter, perhaps? So what would have happened if the Jazz signed Moses Malone in 1976?

The most logical way this would have happened would have been for the Jazz to resist the Pete Maravich temptation. They would have had more money and an even worse roster, but an increased acceptance of young players. He would have been good, probably could have eventually won the MVP like he did in real life and all that, but that realistic version is boring. Let's create an ideal scenario where we get to have our cake and eat it, too. Let's pretend that the Jazz magically had enough money for Moses and Maravich (or were at least willing to take the financial risk).

Moses would have joined the team for the 1976-77 season, which was Maravich's finest — 31-5-5, 73 games at 41.7 minutes per game. The high amount of minutes was troubling, especially since Maravich had to retire in 1980. Maravich was really the only decent player on that team because only one other guy averaged 30 minutes a game — top defender E.C. Coleman at 30.8 mpg. So Moses coming in wouldn't step on anybody's toes. Let's pretend that he and Maravich were a match made in heaven, able to form the first, prehistoric Stockton-to-Malone tandem. Plus, Moses would be able to draw a lot of pressure off Maravich, so he wouldn't have to play so much and is able to extend his career a few more years.

Maravich and Malone would make the Jazz a winning team, but once they got to the playoffs, things would become awkward. The team would realize to late that the Superdome was already booked, so they'd have to back to the nasty net court that would drive away fans and thousands of dollars. Plus, the incompetent coaching of van Breda Kolff/Elgin Baylor would cost the Jazz a few key games and they wouldn't advance past the first round. Then the enormous salaries of Maravich and Malone would cripple the Jazz financially, and they'd have to relocate to Utah in 1979, where Moses would be reunited with all the old Utah Stars fans.

The first couple of years in Utah would be rough, but the Jazz would still be a competitive team and Moses would win a couple of MVPs (minus one because people would say he's only good because of Maravich). Tragically, the Maravich-Malone combo would never win a championship. They'd get close in 1983, but lose a heartbreaker in the Finals to the Boston Celtics. Maravich would retire after that (Moses could only extend his career so long). Naturally, the Jazz never would have acquired Adrian Dantley and Darrell Griffith, but in this ideal world, they would magically be able to draft John Stockton and Karl Malone.

Now, you might think that Moses Malone would have stifled Karl Malone's development. But listen to Charles Barkley talk about Moses some time. He always fondly points to him being his greatest mentor who turned him into a dominant power forward and one of the best rebounders of all time. So in this fantasy land, Moses and Karl work great together, and in 1987, when Moses had turned the keys to the offense over to Karl, the Jazz would finally break through and win an NBA championship.

And then, in 1990, the Jazz would acquire Jeff Malone, and with the power of three Malones (Moses, Karl and Jeff) Utah would win three more championships and establish a decade of dominance. Moses would retire in glory and Karl and John (and then Jeff Hornacek) would continue the tradition of winning until I got old enough to enjoy it.

Yes, that is exactly how it would have happened. If the Jazz would have signed Moses Malone, they would have laid the foundation for about six or seven championships (let's be realistic, Michael Jordan would've stolen a couple). But instead, the Jazz gave up Moses for a draft pick, which they packaged with several other draft picks to trade for the aged and injured Gail Goodrich. But that matter is for another what-if.

Fantastic Four

It's been a while since I've reviewed a movie, so I went digging through the family's DVD collection for the few remaining Marvel movies that I never watch because they, well, suck. First on this list is 2005's Fantastic Four, one of the movie franchises Marvel sold when it was going bankrupt. It would be nice for Marvel to get those rights back, not because I'm particularly attached to these characters, but because I believe Marvel would make much better movies with them and be allowed to integrate them into their Avengers universe.

Fantastic Four was directed by Tim Story and stars Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans and Michael Chiklis. I've never been a fan of the Fantastic Four, and I'm not sure why. I guess I've just always found them boring. I don't care that they're a family, and I'm not particularly impressed with their powers. This might change if I ever read a good Fantastic Four story, but as it stands, I know very little about these heroes. As such, I was able to come into this movie without any baggage of how these heroes are "supposed" to be. Unfortunately, that didn't help me enjoy this movie at all, because this is just a really bad movie. Like really, really bad. Oh well, enough rambling and on to the reviewing!

The starting to this movie felt really rushed and thrown-together. So bankrupt scientist Reed Richards and his astronaut friend Ben Grimm approach billionaire Victor von Doom to ask him to fund a trip to his space station so they can study a mysterious space cloud that possibly could have helped create life on Earth. And they have to go up to space themselves because it's not like they can send up probes or remotely control that station or anything. For some reason, von Doom is intrigued by this proposal and agrees to finance it. His personal assistant, Sue Storm, who happens to be Richards' ex-girlfriend, sets up the mission. Reed requests for Ben to be the pilot, but she chooses her brother, Johnny, who is a disgraced NASA astronaut. Apparently there are only 20 people in New York.

Next thing we know, the space shuttle is pulling into the station. No liftoff, no nothing. The crew is made up of exactly two qualified astronauts (Ben and Johnny), one scientist (Reed), and the financier billionaire (Victor) and his assistant (Sue). Seriously, why did those last three go there? But we don't have any time to ponder this question, because suddenly the storm arrives seven hours early and Reed is yelling at Victor to abort. He says no and then everybody runs to help Ben, I mean watch Ben desperately try to run back into the station. Victor is somehow made to look like a bad guy for wanting to put up the shields instead of watching Ben out jump the space storm. They also criticized him for not aborting the mission, but even if he would have done so when Reed told him, they still would have been hit by the storm. I'm really beginning to think Victor von Doom is the victim here. Anyway, as stupid as that beginning was, the entire movie matched and exceeded that stupidity. We're in for a rough ride.

There is one fun little moment right after the accident. We're given the point of view of Ben, who we all know will become the orange-rock Thing, and we're led to believe he has already transformed. But he hasn't. It was kind of a fun fake-out — one of the few moments in this movie that made me smile.

We then just start jumping from dumb scene to dumb scene. Up next is Johnny's snowboarding scene, because, you know, snowboarding is cool and we have to play "cool" music with it, too. (There was way too much bad music in this movie.) Truthfully, this scene wouldn't have been so bad had Chris Evans not been such a stiff actor. He really was only cast in this part because he looks good with his shirt off. His natural stiffness makes him the perfect Captain America, but a terrible Human-Torch.

Having everybody discover their powers was handled in a really disappointing way. Reed and Sue are having one of their many boring arguments and she turns invisible right when she says, "Look at me!" Reed says, "I can't!" which is a really stupid thing to say right when someone turns invisible. Realistically, he would say, "Holy cow, you're invisible!" Johnny then shows up with only a girl's coat around his waist because that was apparently the only article of clothing he could get after he burned his clothes. They then worry about Ben but for some reason his door is locked. Reed immediately uses his new-found stretching ability to force his hand under the door. Really? That was the first thing you thought of?

Now that they have their powers, they need to use them. The Thing's is demonstrated by destroying an oncoming semi truck, which was pretty cool in trailers in 2005, and still isn't too bad today. (In fact, that was actually my favorite part of the movie.) But Thing destroying a truck naturally blocked traffic and attracted the police. Reed, Sue and Johnny conveniently are nearby, but unfortunately they are blocked by the police. Reed says they'll never get past the cops, but Sue can if she takes off her clothes and becomes invisible. But she doesn't have complete control over her powers yet, so we have a "funny" moment where she's caught in her underwear. But she does pull it together and is able to sneak past the cops ... and so does Reed and Johnny, who are both fully visible. So ... what was the point of that?

Anyway, the four people become fantastic and save a fire truck that for some reason started to fall off the bridge. The crowd gives them a standing ovation to what should have been the biggest moment of the film so far. But by my scoring, it's only at 3 right now, and it will keep dropping.

Oh, and guess who else is on the bridge? Ben's wife/fiancee (I told you there are only 20 people in New York). She witnesses her monstrous lover rescue a bunch of people and receive a standing ovation from everyone present. But she still can't get past his rockiness and takes off her wedding ring in front of him and takes off. How shallow can you be? This man is a hero, despite his appearance. Did you only like him before because of his looks? He really wasn't that great-looking before — kinda chubby and bald. And also, doesn't she know that his best friend is a super scientist who could probably turn him back? Women just can't be trusted, I guess.

I remember being unimpressed with the Thing's costume in 2005. Ironically, though, today I think that is the best special effect in the movie. The CGI does not hold up anymore, which is sadly only eight years later. Every time Human-Torch lit up or Mr. Fantastic started stretching, I cringed. I heard they want to reboot the franchise in 2015. Maybe they'll be able to make them look good by then.

Basically everything about this movie was bad. The plot was exceedingly dull, yet simultaneously moved too fast — a rare thing to accomplish. The dialogue was awful and there were too many forced attempts at humor. One such scene was right after Reed's setup line to the effect of "We'll have to get used to living together." What followed was a horrible montage with horrible music of them having all the cliche moments of living with roommates. Reed walks in on Sue in the shower. Johnny puts whipped cream on Ben while he's asleep. Hilarity ensues.

I never could figure out the villain of this movie, who was one of Marvel's most iconic villains — Dr. Doom. He never really felt that bad for the first half of the movie. He was a successful businessman who was led on by Sue for two years. I mean, he almost proposed to her, but she always loved Reed more. Is that Victor's fault? He was also blamed for the space accident and then kicked off the company board for no real reason. He only started to act remotely evil when his skin started to peel off to reveal metal underneath and electricity started shooting out his hands. Is that a normal power of Doom's? I always thought he was just an evil genius? But we don't see him do anything remotely intelligent here — he just kind of goes crazy and starts killing people. And then he decides he doesn't like the look of his peeling face so he puts on a really creepy metal mask that was awarded to him from Latveria for humanitarian work. What kind of an award is that?

I also hated the ending. Doom takes away the Thing's powers, then Ben realizes the others need his help, so he goes back into the machine specifically designed to take away his powers. Through the magic of Hollywood, Ben instantly becomes the Thing again, even though his original transformation took three days. Then they all team up and beat Doom with ... a fire hydrant. Yep. That's how you defeat one of Marvel's most powerful villains and the inspiration for Darth Vader. But don't worry — Doom survives!

I had no idea I hated this movie so much. I could not find any redeeming qualities in it. I feel like they spent too much time showing how it sucked to be the Thing, Reed Richards was boring, Sue Storm was annoying and Chris Evans was mis-cast as the Human-Torch. The main villain made no sense and had no motivation and everything on a whole was just poorly done. If I reviewed this movie in 2005, I probably would have been impressed with the special effects, but today they look just awful. So sadly, Fantastic Four shares the same fate of Batman and Robin, Superman III and Spider-Man 3.

Final score: 0

Off Balance

"Off Balance" was the 50th-produced episode of Batman: The Animated Series and the 44th-aired on Nov. 23, 1992. So happy 50 episodes Batman! This isn't one of my favorites, but it is significant for the cameo of a certain villain at the end.

I really did like the starting, with Batman holding an interrogation on the Statue of Liberty (not sure if that's in Gotham or New York, but whatever). Things got really cooking when a couple of ninjas showed up, threw the informant off the statue and then gassed themselves before Batman could question them. Now, because this is a kids show, they made it a point to say all these people survived and the gas only erased their memories, but we all know better. Those three guys died. But then again, the prospect of erasing one's mind is almost more frightening than death, especially if it turned the victims into vegetables. Ugh.

I'll raise the score to a 7 for a wonderful Alfred line. Once again, he subtly offers Batman the clue he needs, and Batman says, "Alfred, you're brilliant!" To which the butler casually replies, "Yes, so I've heard." So simple and so effective.

I do have to take a point off, though, for the ironically flat villain of Count Vertigo. He was a one-trick pony without a clear motive. Talia tried to flesh out his character by telling Batman Vertigo worked for her father until he saw the blackness in his heart, but we never really see Vertigo display this blackness. Yes, he has a legion of devoted ninjas, but does he actually do? Despite all this, I probably would've been fine with him had he not been defeated in a most lame way. Talia rang some church bells, which caused him to fall out of the tower. Are you kidding me?

However, the episode does end on a strong point with the introduction of Ra's al Ghul. You just don't get any cooler than him. And I loved his few lines: "So even in defeat, the detective manages a small victory." Just perfect! Too bad we have to wait a while to see him again.

Final score: 7

I Am the Night

Up next is another one of my favorites, and one of the most powerful episodes of Batman: The Animated Series. "I Am the Night" was the 49th-produced episode, but got bumped up to be the 34th aired on Nov. 9, 1992.

My first point will be for the main idea of this episode. It's the anniversary of the death of Bruce's parents, and for once, Batman begins to doubt himself. I really like seeing our main character having occasional moments of human weakness and emotional fatigue. After a while, you'd expect even someone as heroic as Batman to feel like he's not accomplishing anything when past criminals are quickly released and new criminals appear every day. It's also good to take a step back and realize how weird and dangerous it is for a man to dress up like a bat to fight crime, and this episode helped a lot with that idea by not having any costumed super villains. Looking at the world through this episode, it becomes completely understandable for Batman to realize that what he's doing is not normal and that maybe he should stop.

I'll raise the score to a 7 for having Batman lay the roses on the sidewalk with Leslie Thompkins. I always love Batman with the roses and I always love to see Leslie. It's also important that he does this with Leslie, who was the first person to comfort him after his parents died, and she has continued to comfort him every year since. In my mind, this element is as essential a piece to Batman as the Batcave and Alfred and everything else is.

Another point has to be added for the powerful and shocking moment of Bullock finding Gordon after being shot. It was extremely rare to hear a swear word in this show, but in this case, it is fully justified. I mean, you just don't mess with Jim Gordon! I also liked the different reactions from Bullock to Barbara to Batman. Everybody handles grief differently.

Bringing Dick Grayson onto the scene raises the score to a 9. Dick perfectly filled the role of the sidekick by talking some sense into Batman. He made some great, logical points and demonstrated caring and love without getting cheesy. And ultimately, he succeeded in getting Bruce to put the cowl back on.

And my final point comes after Gordon wakes up and laments that he's not a hero like Batman. Batman then delivers one of the best lines of the show: "You are a hero, Jim." Just beautiful. I almost wish the episode ended right there, but the quick redemption scene that followed didn't diminish it at all.

I didn't expect to give this episode a perfect score, but it really is well-made and emotionally powerful. It had some nice nods to continuity and brought in a bunch of minor characters, including Judge Vargas from the Dr. Strange episode. Since "I Am the Night," there have been a plethora of depressed Batman stories that mostly feel pretty stale. But this was a first for me as a youngster, and it maintains its freshness more than 20 years later.

Final score: 10

What Is Reality?

The Riddler makes his return in the 48th-produced episode of Batman: The Animated Series. "What Is Reality?" was the 45th-aired episode on Nov. 24, 1992.

I really liked the overall premise of this episode, especially the beginning with the Riddler hacking into computers all around the world and erasing his existence from history. What better way to protect your identity than to eliminate it? It's also fun to see a villain use technology to further his nefarious purposes. Plus one point.

Now, after praising the Riddler for being innovative, I have to criticize him for a poor judgment on his part. Ultimately, he wanted to lure Batman into his virtual reality where the two could battle wits with real hostages on the line. The hostage he chose was Commissioner Gordon, but he just as easily could have had Robin as well. Yes, he only had two VR helmets for that computer, but he could have given the police three or four. It was just a wasted opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. We're back to an average 5.

But I will add a point for the clever riddles through the episode, and having Alfred help solve some of them was pretty fun, too. One of my favorite riddles led to a train coming out of a fireplace, similar to a famous painting by Rene Magritte. (Yes, I had to look up his name, but I remembered seeing it in one of my art classes.)

Sadly that is where the praise for this episode ends. I understand why they made everything red in the virtual reality world, but I got sick and tired of being in it for so long. It then made me think that if Riddler was so smart, why couldn't he create a world with colors?

And I'll take another point off for the ending. It was quite unhappy and even unsettling to leave Riddler trapped in the virtual reality. Of course, we will see him again later, and naturally they won't explain or reference how he got out. Quite a shame how these Riddler episodes just couldn't live up to their potential.

Final score: 4