Spider-Man 3

Before my mission, I saw the most amazing teaser trailer ever. It was basically this poster — Spider-Man talking about the battle within and showing a brief glimpse of the black costume. I headed off to the Czech Republic knowing two things: Spider-Man 3 was going to be all about Venom, and it would be the best superhero movie ever. How wrong I was.

Spider-Man 3 came out in 2007, returning all the familiar names: director Sam Raimi and actors Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and James Franco. So far a good recipe for success, but something bad happened with the script. According to rumor, Sam Raimi wanted to include several more villains in Spider-Man 2, including Black Cat and the Vulture, but wiser heads stepped in and kept Doctor Octopus as the only villain. Unfortunately, those wiser heads were nowhere to be found when Raimi decided to include Venom (because he's popular), a new Green Goblin (because the Harry Osborn story needed to be wrapped up) and Sandman (because he had good special effect potential). Not only is three villains too many for a major film, but Venom should be considered two villains because Spider-Man has to fight him as the black suit and as an external being fused with Eddie Brock.

Anyway, once I heard Sandman was on board, I feared the movie would be a disaster, and I was right. After watching the movie all the way through for only the second time, I realized this was not only a really bad movie, but it's Batman & Robin bad. So just like Batman & Robin, I'm not going to worry about points so much during my review, and will focus mainly on the high and low points. But mostly the low points.

Raimi (and the other filmmakers) felt obligated to turn Harry into another Green Goblin but didn't really know what to do with him, it felt like. Harry very quickly found/built another special chamber that made him the Green Goblin and created a new glider that looked more like a skateboard because that's "cooler." He had a mask, but took it off whenever he did anything, starting a trend of heroes fighting without their masks in this movie. Seriously, anytime anybody fought, they either took off their mask or had it ripped off. For being a movie about masked heroes and villains, it sure hated masks. Anyway, he got into a really quick fight with Peter in his street clothes, which should have been epic, but just felt rushed. Lamely, the fight ended with Harry getting amnesia so he could return to the nice, happy Harry of most of the first movie. It just felt like a cop-out.

I heard that Sam Raimi did consider splitting this movie into two, but couldn't figure out where to cut it off. I really wish he would have spent a bit more time figuring this out because cramming this many new characters into one movie made everything feel rushed. One great example is the origin of Sandman. Not only did we never get to feel sympathetic for him (having a sick daughter does not justify participating in an armed robbery), but the way he transformed into the Sandman was never fully explained. We see him run into a fenced off area with a sign that says something about particle testing, but the camera passed by too quickly for us to really read it. And for some reason, this experiment is being conducted in the middle of night by scientists who are in such a rush to perform this vague, yet important and dangerous experiment, that they don't even care/fully realize that a large man has fallen into the center of their experiment. Seriously, how could you confuse a 200-pound man with a bird? We didn't ask for Sandman. We didn't need Sandman. And this movie would have been a lot better without him.

Having just said that, I do have to give credit to the best thing about this movie — the special effects. Sandman really did look like sand and the scene where he first put himself together was incredible, even by today's standards. Sadly, you can easily see that this is where all the budget, time and effort of the movie went, and any movie that focuses more on the special effects than everything else usually crumbles like a big heap of sand.

Getting back to rushed introductions, there is one especially awkward scene where we're introduced to Gwen Stacey, her dad the police captain, and Edward Brock Jr., who was briefly mentioned in the first movie, but here was introduced as completely new. Anyway, having Gwen falling from a skyscraper was intense and exciting, but what kills this scene is the sloppy conversation between Eddie and Gwen's dad. He basically says, "My name is Eddie Brock, the new photographer for the Daily Bugle, and I'm dating Gwen Stacey, your daughter, who also happens to be falling off that skyscraper." That's how a high schooler would introduce three characters in a crappy story. I expect better for a $200 million movie.

One of the best things of Spider-Man 2 was the quiet, subtle humor that didn't call attention to itself or completely pull the audience away from the movie. In Spider-Man 3, they seemed to forget how to do that. There were too many painfully unfunny moments in this movie that really felt like a slap in the face. There was the annoying scene in the French restaurant with the waiters repeatedly thinking Peter was signaling to them when he wasn't, there was the little boy disgusted by Spider-Man kissing Gwen, and then there was J. Jonah Jameson. He was one of my favorite characters and this movie ruined him. It seems like late during the production phase, they realized they didn't have enough humor and, knowing JJJ could be funny, decided to make him the comedy relief. So here, we have the Daily Bugle's editor with high blood pressure, which he has counter with bottles and bottles of pills and an overly aggressive intercom buzzer that violently shakes his whole desk any time his secretary feels he's getting a little too angry or when he reaches for the wrong bottle of pills. You think that new buzzer is going to help with his blood pressure? And please, just tell him which bottle to open, stop saying, "Not that one, not that one ..." I also hated having JJJ stiffed by an 8-year-old girl at the end of the movie. Is Peter Parker really the only photographer at the Daily Bugle? And why doesn't the editor-in-chief have his own camera. Just a really disappointing grasp for cheap laughs.

As much as I appreciated the Sandman effects and enjoyed watching him slowly pull himself together, I was really annoyed with powers as a whole. He was just too versatile and powerful. The first time we see him fight, he turns into a big monster (that can't talk or have clothes for some reason) and into very thin sand that can fly away to where he wants to go, regardless of which way the wind's blowing. Ultimately, he was invincible. Therefore, I was not appalled (like I should have been) when Spider-Man "killed" him. Sandman is a known killer and robber, and now that he's made of sand, someone has to put the monster down. No prison could hold him. But then, as we all knew would happen, Sandman survived his sewer water bath and seemed, if possible, even stronger at the end of the movie. Yes, Spider-Man needs powerful villains, but this guy was just ridiculous.

Mary Jane was also horribly unreasonable in this movie, to the point of acting completely out of character, even. In the second movie, she is the top billed actress of a Broadway play with giant posters and billboards of her face plastered all across New York. Suddenly, in this movie, she's a failing singer with scores of negative reviews about her in the papers. She's so bad that the directors don't even bother telling her she's fired. Distraught by this, she has to take a job as a singing waitress because she couldn't fall back on her successful acting career from what, two months ago? I was also thoroughly bugged when she refused to let Peter comfort her. She brings home a bad review and Peter says, "I know exactly how that feels. The papers have been printing bad stuff about Spider-Man forever." To which she pleads, "Why can't you understand how I feel?!" Weren't you listening, MJ? He does! Peter can't help you if you don't let him!

It's a good thing I didn't see this movie in the theater because if I did, I probably would have stood up and left when it was revealed that Sandman was Uncle Ben's true killer. I hate revisionist history! Imagine what would happen if we find out in The Dark Knight Rises that it was Bane who killed Bruce's parents instead of Joe Chill. That was basically how this felt. I also hated how the police told Peter that they basically knew Marko Flint had killed Ben Parker all along for the past two years, but didn't bother telling him until he broke out of jail. What kind of a police force is this? Oh yeah, it's one led by a guy who doesn't care when his daughter falls out of a skyscraper.

Now on to the other villain, who should have had this whole movie to himself, Venom. Sadly, Venom's origin is never explained. Instead of utilizing the astronaut from Spider-Man 2, we just see a little meteorite land close to Peter and a small glob of sticky black stuff follows him around for half the movie until it bonds with him and becomes his infamous black suit. Peter takes the goo (which is never called Venom in the movie, by the way) to Dr. Connors, who admits he's not qualified to study it, but later calls Peter and tells him it enhances the hosts abilities, especially aggression. How'd he figure that out? I'm getting real sick of this movie just throwing stuff at us and expecting us to accept it. Yes, we realize this is a fictional movie with lots of impossible things going on, but we would like a little more explanation for some things.

There was one nice little scene with Peter's landlord seeing that something bad is happening to Peter and understanding that he really is a good boy. Whereas Spider-Man 2 was filled with poignant scenes like this, in Spider-Man 3, these were extremely rare. Good Spider-Man stories need lots of heart and emotion, which this movie severely lacked.

Quick question: what's worse than having Harry conveniently lose his memory? Randomly regaining it and turning evil again! And what was with his master plan? He made Mary Jane break up with Peter. Big deal. They were going to break up anyway because MJ wouldn't give Peter a chance.

So this traumatic experience is the trigger that sends Spidey into full Venom mode. But unfortunately, he didn't really start to act evil like he should have. Instead, he just turned into a punk, and not a really bad one at that. Oh no, he broke Eddie's camera! So what? He deserved it! Cover your eyes, he killed Sandman! Like I said before, Sandman was a monster that needed to be destroyed. By the way, what was with Aunt May's reaction when Peter told her Spidey killed Sandman? If she knew he was Spider-Man, then she should have been more upset by this news. But if she doesn't know he's Spider-Man, then is she the most oblivious woman in the world or what?

Later, we see a Venom-induced Peter visit MJ's jazz club, where he starts playing the piano very well. So Venom makes people play the piano well ... ? OK ... Later, Peter gets into a fight and accidentally hits Mary Jane in the face. It was supposed to be a shocking and appalling scene, showing us how far our hero had fallen. Instead, it was my favorite part of the whole movie. Mary Jane had been the biggest jerk this whole movie and she didn't have any weird alien goo to blame it on. Come to think of it, she had been kind of a skank through all the movies. Here's the list of her boyfriends as far as I can recall: She may have always had a little crush on Peter since they were little kids, but her main boyfriend in high school was Flash Thompson. After graduation, she got in a serious relationship with Harry Osborn, but ended that after a disastrous (and annoying) Thanksgiving dinner. She then fell in love with Spider-Man and even started to slide back to Peter, but he broke it off for her safety. So in the second movie, she got engaged to an astronaut, who was a really nice guy, by the way, but she kept having doubts and repeatedly asked Peter if he really loved her while pushing him away at the same time by saying she's engaged. Why does Peter still like her? Anyway, Spider-Man 2 ended with Mary Jane realizing that Peter was Spider-Man and waiting until her wedding day to decide she really did love him. But in this movie, she gets fired from her play, doesn't tell Peter, but still gets mad at him for not being sympathetic. How is he supposed to know you got fired if you don't tell him? So she falls in love with Harry again, who's conveniently nice again, then she wonders why Peter gets mad at her. If you ask me, she really deserved that punch and everything else that came her way.

Sadly, that punch woke Peter up and enabled him to finally ditch Venom, which conveniently fell onto Eddie Brock who was in a church praying for Peter Parker to be killed. Uh, Eddie, have you ever been to church before? You can't pray for God to kill somebody for you. Also, you can't blame Peter for exposing your picture as a fake. You committed the cardinal sin of journalism by forging the front page photo of a major newspaper, so you completely deserved to be fired and disgraced. Wanting to kill Peter Parker is a rather extreme conclusion to jump to.

So Eddie becomes Venom and very quickly runs into Sandman, having the obligatory (and horrible) "let's team up" scene we see in so many Batman films. This is why having multiple villains is not a good idea. Super-powerful insane criminals don't automatically want to team up to defeat a common foe. It shouldn't work that easily. I also hated Eddie telling Sandman he'd been looking for him, when we didn't see any of that searching, and that he knew all about Sandman's sick daughter without any explanation for having acquired that knowledge. Maybe you justify it by saying Venom shares memories from all its hosts, but they never said that. It was just sloppy story telling, that's all.

Speaking of sloppy story telling, it's now time for more revisionist history! It turns out the Osborn butler knew about Green Goblin all along and that Spider-Man didn't kill him. But he didn't tell Harry this until after he destroyed his company and nearly killed his two best friends in his fruitless quest for vengeance. So now Harry went from being bad to good to bad to back to good all in the same movie. What fun!

I remember when I saw who would be playing Venom that I was worried he'd be too skinny for the part. You see, Venom is supposed to be huge, like three times bigger than Spider-Man, but they cast a rather small guy to play the part. But everyone said he'd work out and get bigger, but it wasn't enough. We ended up with a rather wimpy-looking Venom with a slightly-scary face. But I couldn't really form an opinion of it because he peeled it back to show his human face so much. When we went into the final fight scene with Harry's mask off, Venom's face peeled back, and half of Spider-Man's mask ripped off, it stopped being artistically stylistic and just became insulting.

It really felt like the filmmakers didn't trust the audience to understand what was going on in the final fight, so they had a boring anchorman and a British reporter explaining everything for us. Maybe that wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't a British reporter. Seriously, we're in New York! Reporters don't talk like that! But we had to suffer through her accent telling us that it looked like Spider-Man was losing because we couldn't tell for ourselves. Then Harry flew in and saved him and we saw two little boys (probably the director's kids) telling us how we were supposed to react: "Wow, cool! Wicked awesome!"

At the end, I only had strength for one more complaint: Harry's grenades. Earlier, Spider-Man threw a grenade back at Harry, which exploded two inches in front of his face. All he got was a little scar on one side of his face that really didn't look too bad. But at the end of the movie, one of his grenades completely evaporates Venom and Eddie Brock. There's not even a shoelace left behind or anything. How come his grenades looked so weak in one scene, but super powerful at the end?

I feel like I should be complaining more about Sandman or something, but I'm exhausted. It really is astonishing how quickly a movie can fall apart. I just remembered that we were all surprised to see they didn't choose the Lizard, but in hindsight, he probably would have been too similar to Dr. Octopus, so it's good they left him out. Sadly, they did insist on cramming too many villains in anyway, which led to the destruction of this movie. This movie in turn destroyed a great franchise and led to a five-year stretch where everybody pretty much forgot about one of Marvel's most popular characters. Luckily he is back now, and he's not half bad in The Amazing Spider-Man. (He's not half-good, either, but at least he's back.) With Spider-Man 3, I took off enough points to make it a negative-9, but I'll be kind and give it an official score of 0.

Final score: 0