Punisher: War Zone

So I have an app called Crackle, that has tons of movies and TV shows for free. Of course, since these shows are free, they are all pretty awful. To my surprise, I found an actual Marvel movie on this app, so I decided to review it. Actually, Punisher: War Zone fell under the Marvel Knights brand, as Marvel wanted to put some distance between this and Iron Man and all the other "good and wholesome" superheroes.

There was a big Punisher movie in 2004, but plans for that sequel fell apart, and they eventually settled on a reboot in 2008. Lexi Alexander was the director, and Ray Stevenson starred as the Punisher, with Dominic West as the villain Jigsaw, and Doug Hutchison as Jigsaw's brother, Loony Bin Jim. Punisher: War Zone was made with a relatively modest budget of $35 million, but it only made $10 million in the box office, hence its appearance on an app for crappy movies.

Now, before I get into the summary/review, I need to state that I know almost nothing about Punisher. I know he was originally a Vietnam veteran, who went around killing bad guys. But his overly violent nature and anti-hero status really kept him away from my mainstream Marvel consumption. I think I might have seen him in a Spider-Man episode or two, and I know he was pretty popular in the '90s, when everybody had tons of muscles and tons of guns. But I never had any connection to the character, so I'm basically coming into this movie with a blank slate.

Right from the start, I can tell why this movie failed. The violence is just incredibly ridiculous and unrealistic. We start with Punisher crashing a big banquet of mob bosses. Similar to Batman: Year One, he cuts off the power to the mansion, then crashes in on the table, illuminated by a red flare. He then slices off the old boss' head, snaps his wife's neck, then shoots a bunch of guys and engages in hand-to-hand combat. At one point, he kills a man by shoving a chair leg through his eye. Punisher then decides its a good idea to hang upside down from the chandelier by his knees and spin around with a gun in each hand, firing away like crazy. This was supposed to be an awesome, hard core action scene, but it made me laugh out loud for the wrong reasons.

A couple of cops then arrive, and they help Punisher by telling him one of the main crime lords, Billy the Beaut, has gotten away. Billy is obsessed with his looks, and he got into an argument with the old mob boss about entering a deal with the Russian mafia to help smuggle some biological weapons into New York. Since this impending deal is a matter of national security, the FBI placed an undercover agent to work as Billy's henchman. Anyway, Punisher tracks down Billy and his gang to Billy's recycling plant, and during the fight, Billy falls into a huge vat of glass bottles. Up to this point, Punisher has been very efficient at killing the bad guys and making sure they're dead, but for some reason, he decided to leave Billy in the glass. Also, in the confusion, Billy kills Donatelli, not knowing he was secretly the FBI agent.

We then go to Donatelli's funeral, where we're introduced to his widow, Angela, and their emotionless little girl, Grace. The Punisher, Frank Castle, watches from afar, and seems distraught that he accidentally killed a good guy. He then goes to his family's grave, and has a flashback/breakdown of his family being killed at a picnic six years ago by the mob. Since then, Castle has been working as the Punisher, killing most of the mob bosses in New York, and secretly receiving help from the police.

We're then introduced to another FBI agent (there are so many characters in this movie) and he's furious with the NYPD for not bringing in Punisher after the death of Donatelli. So the police set this guy up with Detective Soap, a seemingly inept cop, who is also secretly aiding the Punisher in his war against crime.

After the funeral, Punisher goes to his partner and weapons supplier, Microchip, who is played by Wayne Knight. Knight is best-known for his Oscar-worthy role in the cinematic masterpiece Space Jam, and he also made small appearances in something called Jurassic Park and Seinfeld. Anyway, Wayne Knight is always fun to see, and he was a rare bright spot in this overly serious, overly bloody R-rated movie where everybody had to say the F-word 35 times each sentence.

Anyway, we check back in with Billy the Beaut, who naturally survived his ordeal in the glass bottles, but got his face cut up real bad — nothing else on his body, just his face. Apparently, Billy missed one payment on his insurance, so he couldn't go to a real doctor, and instead had some underground hack try to repair his face with horse hide. And in a scene completely ripped off from Tim Burton's Batman, Billy gets his bandages removed and demands for the mirror. One of his henchmen barfs upon seeing his stitched-up face, and Billy kills the doctor and calls himself Jigsaw.

Jigsaw's first task is to free his little brother, Loony Bin Jim, from the insane asylum. We first see LBJ strapped to a bed, while a fat orderly tries to feed him some applesauce. But Jim isn't eating any, so the fat guy eats it himself. Billy then breaks in and frees LBJ, who immediately starts to eat the fat guy while he's still alive. LBJ says he wants his applesauce back, and in Sweden, applesauce and kidneys is a real delicacy. The scene is just as ridiculous as it sounds, and we LBJ rip out a couple of organs from the screaming fat guy.

Punisher, meanwhile, wants to retire from life of vigilantism after he committed his grave error, and the first thing he does is to pay a visit to the Donatelli's widow, Angela. He wants to give her a big bag of money as restitution, but she immediately pulls a gun on him, screaming, "Who punishes you?!" Right in front of her little girl, no less, who acts like this sort of thing happens all the time. Punisher, however, doesn't flinch, and even aims the gun at his heart and practically begs the hysterical woman to kill him. But she doesn't, of course, otherwise we wouldn't have much of a movie.

Jigsaw and his gang then head back to his skyscraper headquarters, and Jigsaw has a stupid little breakdown when he sees his ugly reflection in his many mirrors. So Loony Bin Jim decides to cheer up his brother by throwing his body into all the mirrors and smashing them with his head and face. It is such a strange scene and it lasts forever, really making me wonder what the heck I am watching. But yeah, Jigsaw then meets with the Russians, and after some fighting and ridiculous violence, they eventually agree on the deal to bring in the biological weapons.

Punisher then goes to tell his partners Micro and Carlos that he's retiring. But when Micro tells him that Billy survived and is going after the Donatelli family, Punisher decides to stay on until Billy is killed. So he goes out and finds some of Jigsaw's men, the urban free-flow gang, a couple of guys who like jumping off rooftops. There's this really boring scene with awful music of these guys doing there "extreme" parkour moves, that is fortunately interrupted when Punisher blows up one of the guys with a rocket launcher. It was so random and wild, I couldn't stop myself from laughing out loud. Anyway, Punisher interrogates one of the guys, who tells him Jigsaw is heading toward the Donatelli house like, right now.

Sure enough, we cut to Jigsaw, LBJ, and two other guys breaking into the house and holding Angela and Grace hostage. A couple of cops show up, and immediately get killed by Loony Bin Jim. On his way over there, Punisher runs into the FBI agent and Soap. They handcuff him, but he convinces them to let him go to save the Donatellis. Once he shows up at the house, he immediately kills one henchman by punching his hand through his skull. He then blows off the other guy's head with a shotgun, right in front of the little girl, who is perfectly accustomed to seeing people's heads explode. The FIB agent and soap arrest Jigsaw and LBJ, while Punisher takes Angela and Grace to his hideout. I'm not sure why Punisher didn't just kill Jigsaw here, but if he did, we wouldn't have a big fight at the end, now would we?

At his hideout, Punisher gives little Grace some toys his daughter used to have. But as always, Grace is completely and utterly bored by the whole ordeal. What should have been a touching scene was ruined by one of the worst child actors I've seen — and that's saying something.

Meanwhile, Jigsaw and LBJ make a deal with the FBI. He tells them all about the deal with the Russians, in exchange for complete immunity and information on the Punisher. So they turn over the Russians and immediately go to Micro's apartment, where they kill his mom and kidnap him. Meanwhile, Punisher decides he needs to go see Micro for whatever reason, so he leaves Carlos in charge of Angela and Grace. When he gets to Micro's apartment, he only finds Micro's mom missing half her head. So Punisher rushes back to his hideout, but he's too late. Jigsaw had already kidnapped Angela and Grace, and left a note on Carlos, who is severely injured from an axe attack by LBJ. Punisher mercy-kills Carlos, then heads to a church to meet the FBI agent, who is now his friend.

Before the agent arrives, though, Punisher has a brief conversation with the priest, and we learn that Frank Castle used to be in the seminary. Before he became a one-man killing machine, bent on punishing the corrupt. Finally the agent arrives, and Punisher asks for his help, primarily in keeping the cops away. Because, you know, Jigsaw said he'd kill the little girl if he saw a cop or something like that. Anyway, the church scene is very odd — with a lot of neon lights, too — and it just drags on forever, all while I'm wondering why Punisher didn't immediately head out to save Micro, Angela and Grace. Right now, Jigsaw's gang has been reduced to just him and Loony Bin Jim. And Punisher knows exactly where they are. So why wait?

Well, Jigsaw took advantage of Punisher's hesitation, and he went around recruiting a bunch of men to set up a kind of fortress in an abandoned hotel. Jigsaw gets a gang of black guys and a gang of Chinese guys to join, by delivering a rambling, patriotic speech (in front of an American flag while "America the Beautiful" played in the background, no less) about how society has shunned them and Punisher is their common enemy, etc., etc. It is such a strange scene, I honestly don't know if they wanted it to be funny, or a serious commentary on society. Just like most of this film, it was ridiculous and out of place, which, ironically, makes it fit right in with the rest of the nonsense.

So anyway, the FBI agent recruits the dad of the Russian mob Jigsaw betrayed. So a bunch of Russians head into the hotel and start shooting everybody up. Punisher takes advantage of this chaos, sneaks in, and begins killing everybody. Literally. Everybody. There is so much violence and shooting and fighting, that I've become completely desensitized to it by now. There is one really funny moment, though, when he kills a big fat guy on the toilet, who says, "Aw, for F's sake!" Then his head explodes. I know I shouldn't laugh when people use the F-word, but I couldn't help myself.

Punisher finally gets into a bit of a fist-fight with Loony Bin Jim in a bathroom, but then LBJ runs away, leading him right to the final confrontation room with Jigsaw. On one side, Micro is tied up with Jigsaw holding a gun at him. On the other side, Angela and Grace are tied up with LBJ holding a gun at them. Punisher has to choose who will live and who will die. Even though we've seen him use tons and tons of guns this movie — often with one in each hand — he suddenly only has one gun left. Micro tells Punisher to save the little girl, who is acting like she's kidnapped all the time. But instead, Punisher kills Loony Bin Jim, so Jigsaw kills Micro. Come on, Punisher! You couldn't save all of them?

So, anyway, Punisher frees Angela and Grace, and begins fighting Jigsaw. Eventually he stabs him with some spear-thing that just happened to be there, and he says, "Let me put you out of my misery." And he pushes the dying bad guy onto a fire pit that also just happens to be there. I guess the director just wanted to film a grotesque scene of Jigsaw burning alive. As he dies, Punisher says, "This is just the beginning." Which makes no sense, since Punisher has now spent the last six years killing all the mob bosses in New York, and now literally every single criminal connected to the mafia is dead. All thanks to the Punisher. And yet this is just the beginning. OK. Whatever you say, Frank.

The movie then ends on a curiously funny note. Punisher is walking away with the goofy Detective Soap, who points out that all the bad guys are dead, and he suggests that Punisher retire now. Or at least stop killing. Suddenly, a mugger sticks a gun in Soap's face. So Punisher emerges dramatically from the shadows, and stands in front of the neon church sign that says, "Jesus Saves." The Jesus part goes out, implying "Punisher Saves," as the screen goes black, we hear a gunshot, and Soap whines, "Now I've got brain splatter all over me." The End!

What a strange, strange movie. It tried to be super gritty and serious and ultra-violent, yet it still wanted to sneak in some humor that really didn't belong at all. The blood and guts and gore was definitely over the top, almost in a juvenile attempt to be mature. I can see the assumption that Punisher needs to be rated R, but I really think this could have easily been a perfectly fine PG-13. Just eliminate the 10,000 F-words, cut out all the unnecessary blood and guts, make most of the violence off screen, and you could have a pretty good movie that would be appropriate for a much wider audience. I also think there is a good story at the root of this movie. If you could just pull out the skeleton of the script, as it were, you would have some very intriguing material. Punisher accidentally killing an innocent man, is a very interesting idea that was never fully developed. And Jigsaw and Loony Bin Jim could have been great villains, if they weren't handled so ... stupidly. This movie had noble intentions at the start, but the execution was just so awful, that tons of problems just started snowballing on top of each other, until every single scene felt really stupid and unwatchable.

Like many other characters, the movie rights of Punisher have now reverted back to Marvel studios. As bad as this movie was, it did give me hope that it is possible to make a good Punisher movie. And it wouldn't even have to be rated R. At least, that's what I think. If anyone can do it, Marvel can.

Final score: 0