Fantastic Four

It's been a while since I've reviewed a movie, so I went digging through the family's DVD collection for the few remaining Marvel movies that I never watch because they, well, suck. First on this list is 2005's Fantastic Four, one of the movie franchises Marvel sold when it was going bankrupt. It would be nice for Marvel to get those rights back, not because I'm particularly attached to these characters, but because I believe Marvel would make much better movies with them and be allowed to integrate them into their Avengers universe.

Fantastic Four was directed by Tim Story and stars Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans and Michael Chiklis. I've never been a fan of the Fantastic Four, and I'm not sure why. I guess I've just always found them boring. I don't care that they're a family, and I'm not particularly impressed with their powers. This might change if I ever read a good Fantastic Four story, but as it stands, I know very little about these heroes. As such, I was able to come into this movie without any baggage of how these heroes are "supposed" to be. Unfortunately, that didn't help me enjoy this movie at all, because this is just a really bad movie. Like really, really bad. Oh well, enough rambling and on to the reviewing!

The starting to this movie felt really rushed and thrown-together. So bankrupt scientist Reed Richards and his astronaut friend Ben Grimm approach billionaire Victor von Doom to ask him to fund a trip to his space station so they can study a mysterious space cloud that possibly could have helped create life on Earth. And they have to go up to space themselves because it's not like they can send up probes or remotely control that station or anything. For some reason, von Doom is intrigued by this proposal and agrees to finance it. His personal assistant, Sue Storm, who happens to be Richards' ex-girlfriend, sets up the mission. Reed requests for Ben to be the pilot, but she chooses her brother, Johnny, who is a disgraced NASA astronaut. Apparently there are only 20 people in New York.

Next thing we know, the space shuttle is pulling into the station. No liftoff, no nothing. The crew is made up of exactly two qualified astronauts (Ben and Johnny), one scientist (Reed), and the financier billionaire (Victor) and his assistant (Sue). Seriously, why did those last three go there? But we don't have any time to ponder this question, because suddenly the storm arrives seven hours early and Reed is yelling at Victor to abort. He says no and then everybody runs to help Ben, I mean watch Ben desperately try to run back into the station. Victor is somehow made to look like a bad guy for wanting to put up the shields instead of watching Ben out jump the space storm. They also criticized him for not aborting the mission, but even if he would have done so when Reed told him, they still would have been hit by the storm. I'm really beginning to think Victor von Doom is the victim here. Anyway, as stupid as that beginning was, the entire movie matched and exceeded that stupidity. We're in for a rough ride.

There is one fun little moment right after the accident. We're given the point of view of Ben, who we all know will become the orange-rock Thing, and we're led to believe he has already transformed. But he hasn't. It was kind of a fun fake-out — one of the few moments in this movie that made me smile.

We then just start jumping from dumb scene to dumb scene. Up next is Johnny's snowboarding scene, because, you know, snowboarding is cool and we have to play "cool" music with it, too. (There was way too much bad music in this movie.) Truthfully, this scene wouldn't have been so bad had Chris Evans not been such a stiff actor. He really was only cast in this part because he looks good with his shirt off. His natural stiffness makes him the perfect Captain America, but a terrible Human-Torch.

Having everybody discover their powers was handled in a really disappointing way. Reed and Sue are having one of their many boring arguments and she turns invisible right when she says, "Look at me!" Reed says, "I can't!" which is a really stupid thing to say right when someone turns invisible. Realistically, he would say, "Holy cow, you're invisible!" Johnny then shows up with only a girl's coat around his waist because that was apparently the only article of clothing he could get after he burned his clothes. They then worry about Ben but for some reason his door is locked. Reed immediately uses his new-found stretching ability to force his hand under the door. Really? That was the first thing you thought of?

Now that they have their powers, they need to use them. The Thing's is demonstrated by destroying an oncoming semi truck, which was pretty cool in trailers in 2005, and still isn't too bad today. (In fact, that was actually my favorite part of the movie.) But Thing destroying a truck naturally blocked traffic and attracted the police. Reed, Sue and Johnny conveniently are nearby, but unfortunately they are blocked by the police. Reed says they'll never get past the cops, but Sue can if she takes off her clothes and becomes invisible. But she doesn't have complete control over her powers yet, so we have a "funny" moment where she's caught in her underwear. But she does pull it together and is able to sneak past the cops ... and so does Reed and Johnny, who are both fully visible. So ... what was the point of that?

Anyway, the four people become fantastic and save a fire truck that for some reason started to fall off the bridge. The crowd gives them a standing ovation to what should have been the biggest moment of the film so far. But by my scoring, it's only at 3 right now, and it will keep dropping.

Oh, and guess who else is on the bridge? Ben's wife/fiancee (I told you there are only 20 people in New York). She witnesses her monstrous lover rescue a bunch of people and receive a standing ovation from everyone present. But she still can't get past his rockiness and takes off her wedding ring in front of him and takes off. How shallow can you be? This man is a hero, despite his appearance. Did you only like him before because of his looks? He really wasn't that great-looking before — kinda chubby and bald. And also, doesn't she know that his best friend is a super scientist who could probably turn him back? Women just can't be trusted, I guess.

I remember being unimpressed with the Thing's costume in 2005. Ironically, though, today I think that is the best special effect in the movie. The CGI does not hold up anymore, which is sadly only eight years later. Every time Human-Torch lit up or Mr. Fantastic started stretching, I cringed. I heard they want to reboot the franchise in 2015. Maybe they'll be able to make them look good by then.

Basically everything about this movie was bad. The plot was exceedingly dull, yet simultaneously moved too fast — a rare thing to accomplish. The dialogue was awful and there were too many forced attempts at humor. One such scene was right after Reed's setup line to the effect of "We'll have to get used to living together." What followed was a horrible montage with horrible music of them having all the cliche moments of living with roommates. Reed walks in on Sue in the shower. Johnny puts whipped cream on Ben while he's asleep. Hilarity ensues.

I never could figure out the villain of this movie, who was one of Marvel's most iconic villains — Dr. Doom. He never really felt that bad for the first half of the movie. He was a successful businessman who was led on by Sue for two years. I mean, he almost proposed to her, but she always loved Reed more. Is that Victor's fault? He was also blamed for the space accident and then kicked off the company board for no real reason. He only started to act remotely evil when his skin started to peel off to reveal metal underneath and electricity started shooting out his hands. Is that a normal power of Doom's? I always thought he was just an evil genius? But we don't see him do anything remotely intelligent here — he just kind of goes crazy and starts killing people. And then he decides he doesn't like the look of his peeling face so he puts on a really creepy metal mask that was awarded to him from Latveria for humanitarian work. What kind of an award is that?

I also hated the ending. Doom takes away the Thing's powers, then Ben realizes the others need his help, so he goes back into the machine specifically designed to take away his powers. Through the magic of Hollywood, Ben instantly becomes the Thing again, even though his original transformation took three days. Then they all team up and beat Doom with ... a fire hydrant. Yep. That's how you defeat one of Marvel's most powerful villains and the inspiration for Darth Vader. But don't worry — Doom survives!

I had no idea I hated this movie so much. I could not find any redeeming qualities in it. I feel like they spent too much time showing how it sucked to be the Thing, Reed Richards was boring, Sue Storm was annoying and Chris Evans was mis-cast as the Human-Torch. The main villain made no sense and had no motivation and everything on a whole was just poorly done. If I reviewed this movie in 2005, I probably would have been impressed with the special effects, but today they look just awful. So sadly, Fantastic Four shares the same fate of Batman and Robin, Superman III and Spider-Man 3.

Final score: 0

Off Balance

"Off Balance" was the 50th-produced episode of Batman: The Animated Series and the 44th-aired on Nov. 23, 1992. So happy 50 episodes Batman! This isn't one of my favorites, but it is significant for the cameo of a certain villain at the end.

I really did like the starting, with Batman holding an interrogation on the Statue of Liberty (not sure if that's in Gotham or New York, but whatever). Things got really cooking when a couple of ninjas showed up, threw the informant off the statue and then gassed themselves before Batman could question them. Now, because this is a kids show, they made it a point to say all these people survived and the gas only erased their memories, but we all know better. Those three guys died. But then again, the prospect of erasing one's mind is almost more frightening than death, especially if it turned the victims into vegetables. Ugh.

I'll raise the score to a 7 for a wonderful Alfred line. Once again, he subtly offers Batman the clue he needs, and Batman says, "Alfred, you're brilliant!" To which the butler casually replies, "Yes, so I've heard." So simple and so effective.

I do have to take a point off, though, for the ironically flat villain of Count Vertigo. He was a one-trick pony without a clear motive. Talia tried to flesh out his character by telling Batman Vertigo worked for her father until he saw the blackness in his heart, but we never really see Vertigo display this blackness. Yes, he has a legion of devoted ninjas, but does he actually do? Despite all this, I probably would've been fine with him had he not been defeated in a most lame way. Talia rang some church bells, which caused him to fall out of the tower. Are you kidding me?

However, the episode does end on a strong point with the introduction of Ra's al Ghul. You just don't get any cooler than him. And I loved his few lines: "So even in defeat, the detective manages a small victory." Just perfect! Too bad we have to wait a while to see him again.

Final score: 7

I Am the Night

Up next is another one of my favorites, and one of the most powerful episodes of Batman: The Animated Series. "I Am the Night" was the 49th-produced episode, but got bumped up to be the 34th aired on Nov. 9, 1992.

My first point will be for the main idea of this episode. It's the anniversary of the death of Bruce's parents, and for once, Batman begins to doubt himself. I really like seeing our main character having occasional moments of human weakness and emotional fatigue. After a while, you'd expect even someone as heroic as Batman to feel like he's not accomplishing anything when past criminals are quickly released and new criminals appear every day. It's also good to take a step back and realize how weird and dangerous it is for a man to dress up like a bat to fight crime, and this episode helped a lot with that idea by not having any costumed super villains. Looking at the world through this episode, it becomes completely understandable for Batman to realize that what he's doing is not normal and that maybe he should stop.

I'll raise the score to a 7 for having Batman lay the roses on the sidewalk with Leslie Thompkins. I always love Batman with the roses and I always love to see Leslie. It's also important that he does this with Leslie, who was the first person to comfort him after his parents died, and she has continued to comfort him every year since. In my mind, this element is as essential a piece to Batman as the Batcave and Alfred and everything else is.

Another point has to be added for the powerful and shocking moment of Bullock finding Gordon after being shot. It was extremely rare to hear a swear word in this show, but in this case, it is fully justified. I mean, you just don't mess with Jim Gordon! I also liked the different reactions from Bullock to Barbara to Batman. Everybody handles grief differently.

Bringing Dick Grayson onto the scene raises the score to a 9. Dick perfectly filled the role of the sidekick by talking some sense into Batman. He made some great, logical points and demonstrated caring and love without getting cheesy. And ultimately, he succeeded in getting Bruce to put the cowl back on.

And my final point comes after Gordon wakes up and laments that he's not a hero like Batman. Batman then delivers one of the best lines of the show: "You are a hero, Jim." Just beautiful. I almost wish the episode ended right there, but the quick redemption scene that followed didn't diminish it at all.

I didn't expect to give this episode a perfect score, but it really is well-made and emotionally powerful. It had some nice nods to continuity and brought in a bunch of minor characters, including Judge Vargas from the Dr. Strange episode. Since "I Am the Night," there have been a plethora of depressed Batman stories that mostly feel pretty stale. But this was a first for me as a youngster, and it maintains its freshness more than 20 years later.

Final score: 10

What Is Reality?

The Riddler makes his return in the 48th-produced episode of Batman: The Animated Series. "What Is Reality?" was the 45th-aired episode on Nov. 24, 1992.

I really liked the overall premise of this episode, especially the beginning with the Riddler hacking into computers all around the world and erasing his existence from history. What better way to protect your identity than to eliminate it? It's also fun to see a villain use technology to further his nefarious purposes. Plus one point.

Now, after praising the Riddler for being innovative, I have to criticize him for a poor judgment on his part. Ultimately, he wanted to lure Batman into his virtual reality where the two could battle wits with real hostages on the line. The hostage he chose was Commissioner Gordon, but he just as easily could have had Robin as well. Yes, he only had two VR helmets for that computer, but he could have given the police three or four. It was just a wasted opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. We're back to an average 5.

But I will add a point for the clever riddles through the episode, and having Alfred help solve some of them was pretty fun, too. One of my favorite riddles led to a train coming out of a fireplace, similar to a famous painting by Rene Magritte. (Yes, I had to look up his name, but I remembered seeing it in one of my art classes.)

Sadly that is where the praise for this episode ends. I understand why they made everything red in the virtual reality world, but I got sick and tired of being in it for so long. It then made me think that if Riddler was so smart, why couldn't he create a world with colors?

And I'll take another point off for the ending. It was quite unhappy and even unsettling to leave Riddler trapped in the virtual reality. Of course, we will see him again later, and naturally they won't explain or reference how he got out. Quite a shame how these Riddler episodes just couldn't live up to their potential.

Final score: 4

Birds of a Feather

I've never been able to fully justify my love for the Penguin. After watching "Birds of a Feather" again, I think a large percentage of my love comes from this episode. This was the 47th-produced episode and 52nd-aired on Feb. 8, 1993.

One of my favorite things about this episode is it gives us a look at the personal life of Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, aka the Penguin. Not quite wild enough to go to Arkham, he just goes to jail like regular criminals. And the crimes he commits aren't really that bad — just stealing some paintings, usually — so he regularly gets released from jail in a rather clockwork manner. This episode kind of shows us what happens after said criminal is released. What really makes the Penguin so interesting is how delusional he is about his own life. He believes himself to be somewhat of a celebrity in both the high society and the super villain community, yet he is neither. It's really funny, but pretty sad, too, which is why I'll add a point for it.

I'll raise the score to a 7 for the added twist of Veronica Vreeland being the real villain of the episode. I mean, what she did here was really cruel — purposefully leading on the Penguin just for her amusement. Yes, she did later grow fond of him and began to regret her actions, but it was too late. In the end, she got no less than what she deserved.

Now I have to take a point off for the conflicting nature of the Penguin's social graces. I always thought of him as truly being a social elite, but this episode implied that he only thinks he's a social elite. While at a fancy restaurant, he eats fish with his hands as if he were a real penguin. And at the opera, he stands up and sings along with the performer. In my head, the Penguin would know better to not do that. I think a lot of this directly comes from Tim Burton's Batman Returns, where the Penguin was quite gross and disgusting. I don't like that Penguin, and I would have preferred to see him behave well in social settings in this episode, but only disturb people by openly talking about his exploits as a criminal.

I will add a point for the active Bruce Wayne here. Batman is going to follow the Penguin any way he can, and what better way to keep tabs on the high society than by being billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne? I always appreciate it when the writers remember that Bruce Wayne is an influential and important citizen of Gotham City.

This episode is the first in a string of episodes where some of Batman's most notable villains attempt to reform their ways, which is an idea I really like. How many times can you stand to get beat up by Batman before you give in and forsake your life of crime? But as we see here, these people became criminals because something is wrong with them mentally. And whatever that condition or paranoia is, it prevents them from truly leading a normal life. When Penguin found out he was being taken advantage of, a logical response would have just been to leave the party and be sad for a while but eventually try to make some new friends and start over again. But Penguin is not logical or sane, so he immediately kidnapped Veronica and returned to his life of a super villain. Really deep stuff. The score is now an 8.

Sadly, the episode could not end on a "high note," as the Penguin so painfully punned. The final fight with Batman is in an opera house, and Penguin utilizes one of the props — a fire-breathing dragon. I probably could have accepted this by itself, but it went over-the-top for me when Penguin put on the viking helmet. I can see Joker doing that to earn an extra laugh, but why would Penguin stop, take off his top hat, and put on that viking helmet? I have to take a point off for that in what was otherwise a very fine episode.

Final score: 7

Almost Got 'Im

It is with great joy and pleasure that I review my favorite episode of Batman: The Animated Series. "Almost Got 'Im" was the 46th-produced episode, but wisely bumped ahead to be the 35th-aired episode on Nov. 10, 1992. Since I already said this is my favorite, I'm not going to focus too much on the scoring and just focus on the highlights of this masterpiece.

First of all, the starting was brilliant. You only see the villains' hands, but you instantly know who all of them are and you get a brief glimpse of their personalities. Two-Face, with two-pair, pours half-and-half into his coffee. Penguin prepares himself some fancy tea. And the Joker, of course, pulls an ace out of his sleeve.

The next point that got me really excited was the explanation of the giant penny in the Batcave. In most continuities, Batman has a giant penny (and sometimes a T-rex) in the cave for no reason. Until now. While having Batman use Two Face's suddenly jagged coin to escape is a little far-fetched, the main idea of flipping the penny with Batman on it was good.

This episode also boasts one of the funniest moments in the entire series. Killer Croc (really Batman in disguise) slams his fist on the table and demands to tell his story. He starts with a dramatic buildup, then abruptly and lamely ends with, "I threw a rock at him!" What makes this scene great is the few seconds of silence that follows then Poison Ivy trying to change the subject. Sheepishly, Croc adds, "It was a big rock." Pure gold. Unfortunately, I think this part was too funny because ever since this episode aired, Croc became incredibly stupid both in the cartoons and the comics. In Jeph Loeb's "Hush," which came out more than a decade later, Batman is surprised to see Croc carry out a sophisticated crime like kidnapping a child. This makes me sad because in Croc's first appearance in this show, "Vendetta," he is quite smart and carries out a very intelligent crime that frames Harvey Bullock. Of course, I can't blame this episode for any unintended negative repercussions that came from it.

Not only does this episode rock because it has so many wonderful bad guys, but their respective stories were very good despite their brevity. In fact, you could argue that some of these villains had their best moments from the entire show here in this episode — especially Penguin. Most Penguin episodes fall a little flat, but his story here was really good and true to his character. I only wish it was a little longer, but I understand why it wasn't.

Naturally though, the Joker's story tops them all. Pumping the studio audience with laughing gas was similar to Frank Miller's "The Dark Knight Returns" and I loved how even the other villains were disgusted by Joker's plan to turn Catwoman into cat food. Yes, this is a clean kids' show, but when you really think about it, that is a pretty gruesome idea.

And then there's the great heroic, surprising moment at the end, when Croc stands up and in Batman's voice says, "I don't think so." I get chills every time. Then he throws Joker over the table and in the swinging light Croc's silhouette becomes Batman's. It does not make one iota of logical sense, but it is so cool it doesn't matter.

The best Batman episode of all time is "Heart of Ice," but if I could only choose one Batman episode to watch, I'd pick "Almost Got 'Im." It has all the villains you'd ever want, it has great action, great humor and even a nice bit of romance at the end with Catwoman. You'd be very hard-pressed to find another 22-minute episode that contains this much stuff and handles it this well.

Final score: 10

Terror in the Sky

"Terror in the Sky" was the 45th-produced episode of Batman: The Animated Series, but it got bumped up to be the 37th-aired episode on Nov. 12, 1992.

This episode marks the return of Man-Bat, which made me very happy. That was the first villain of this show, and it shouldn't be forgotten. Bringing it back, with a new twist deserves a point.

Making Francine the Man-Bat ... er, Woman-Bat, was a great idea, but they kind of had a hard time handling Francine when she wasn't a bat. I guess the transformations were making her moody and giving her headaches, or maybe her headaches were causing the transformations? I'm not sure. In any case, she was completely annoying the whole episode, culminating in an extremely cheesy scene where she had a complete meltdown despite being perfectly fine two seconds earlier. Such random changes in mood were the norm in the '90s Spider-Man cartoon, but thankfully rare in Batman. However, whenever something like this happens, I have to take a point off.

But I will raise the score back to a 6 for a great scene with Dr. March. He is the prototypical mad scientist, but unlike other mad scientists, he actually admitted he was wrong. Watching the depressed doctor burn his notes was really a beautiful scene.

A large portion of this episode is devoted to Batman chasing the Woman-Bat around in his Batplane. However, it never got boring because it was so well done. The cinematic nature of it made me forget I was watching a 20-year-old Saturday morning cartoon. The music was also powerful and fun when a brief moment of "Night on Bald Mountain" was played. Truly a work of art.

Episodes like this prove why this show still holds up two decades later. This isn't near one of the best Batman episodes — it is perfectly average — but when the average episodes are this good, then you have an amazing show.

Final score: 7