It's been a while since I've reviewed a movie, so I went digging through the family's DVD collection for the few remaining Marvel movies that I never watch because they, well, suck. First on this list is 2005's Fantastic Four, one of the movie franchises Marvel sold when it was going bankrupt. It would be nice for Marvel to get those rights back, not because I'm particularly attached to these characters, but because I believe Marvel would make much better movies with them and be allowed to integrate them into their Avengers universe.
Fantastic Four was directed by Tim Story and stars Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans and Michael Chiklis. I've never been a fan of the Fantastic Four, and I'm not sure why. I guess I've just always found them boring. I don't care that they're a family, and I'm not particularly impressed with their powers. This might change if I ever read a good Fantastic Four story, but as it stands, I know very little about these heroes. As such, I was able to come into this movie without any baggage of how these heroes are "supposed" to be. Unfortunately, that didn't help me enjoy this movie at all, because this is just a really bad movie. Like really, really bad. Oh well, enough rambling and on to the reviewing!
The starting to this movie felt really rushed and thrown-together. So bankrupt scientist Reed Richards and his astronaut friend Ben Grimm approach billionaire Victor von Doom to ask him to fund a trip to his space station so they can study a mysterious space cloud that possibly could have helped create life on Earth. And they have to go up to space themselves because it's not like they can send up probes or remotely control that station or anything. For some reason, von Doom is intrigued by this proposal and agrees to finance it. His personal assistant, Sue Storm, who happens to be Richards' ex-girlfriend, sets up the mission. Reed requests for Ben to be the pilot, but she chooses her brother, Johnny, who is a disgraced NASA astronaut. Apparently there are only 20 people in New York.
Next thing we know, the space shuttle is pulling into the station. No liftoff, no nothing. The crew is made up of exactly two qualified astronauts (Ben and Johnny), one scientist (Reed), and the financier billionaire (Victor) and his assistant (Sue). Seriously, why did those last three go there? But we don't have any time to ponder this question, because suddenly the storm arrives seven hours early and Reed is yelling at Victor to abort. He says no and then everybody runs to help Ben, I mean watch Ben desperately try to run back into the station. Victor is somehow made to look like a bad guy for wanting to put up the shields instead of watching Ben out jump the space storm. They also criticized him for not aborting the mission, but even if he would have done so when Reed told him, they still would have been hit by the storm. I'm really beginning to think Victor von Doom is the victim here. Anyway, as stupid as that beginning was, the entire movie matched and exceeded that stupidity. We're in for a rough ride.
There is one fun little moment right after the accident. We're given the point of view of Ben, who we all know will become the orange-rock Thing, and we're led to believe he has already transformed. But he hasn't. It was kind of a fun fake-out — one of the few moments in this movie that made me smile.
We then just start jumping from dumb scene to dumb scene. Up next is Johnny's snowboarding scene, because, you know, snowboarding is cool and we have to play "cool" music with it, too. (There was way too much bad music in this movie.) Truthfully, this scene wouldn't have been so bad had Chris Evans not been such a stiff actor. He really was only cast in this part because he looks good with his shirt off. His natural stiffness makes him the perfect Captain America, but a terrible Human-Torch.
Having everybody discover their powers was handled in a really disappointing way. Reed and Sue are having one of their many boring arguments and she turns invisible right when she says, "Look at me!" Reed says, "I can't!" which is a really stupid thing to say right when someone turns invisible. Realistically, he would say, "Holy cow, you're invisible!" Johnny then shows up with only a girl's coat around his waist because that was apparently the only article of clothing he could get after he burned his clothes. They then worry about Ben but for some reason his door is locked. Reed immediately uses his new-found stretching ability to force his hand under the door. Really? That was the first thing you thought of?
Now that they have their powers, they need to use them. The Thing's is demonstrated by destroying an oncoming semi truck, which was pretty cool in trailers in 2005, and still isn't too bad today. (In fact, that was actually my favorite part of the movie.) But Thing destroying a truck naturally blocked traffic and attracted the police. Reed, Sue and Johnny conveniently are nearby, but unfortunately they are blocked by the police. Reed says they'll never get past the cops, but Sue can if she takes off her clothes and becomes invisible. But she doesn't have complete control over her powers yet, so we have a "funny" moment where she's caught in her underwear. But she does pull it together and is able to sneak past the cops ... and so does Reed and Johnny, who are both fully visible. So ... what was the point of that?
Anyway, the four people become fantastic and save a fire truck that for some reason started to fall off the bridge. The crowd gives them a standing ovation to what should have been the biggest moment of the film so far. But by my scoring, it's only at 3 right now, and it will keep dropping.
Oh, and guess who else is on the bridge? Ben's wife/fiancee (I told you there are only 20 people in New York). She witnesses her monstrous lover rescue a bunch of people and receive a standing ovation from everyone present. But she still can't get past his rockiness and takes off her wedding ring in front of him and takes off. How shallow can you be? This man is a hero, despite his appearance. Did you only like him before because of his looks? He really wasn't that great-looking before — kinda chubby and bald. And also, doesn't she know that his best friend is a super scientist who could probably turn him back? Women just can't be trusted, I guess.
I remember being unimpressed with the Thing's costume in 2005. Ironically, though, today I think that is the best special effect in the movie. The CGI does not hold up anymore, which is sadly only eight years later. Every time Human-Torch lit up or Mr. Fantastic started stretching, I cringed. I heard they want to reboot the franchise in 2015. Maybe they'll be able to make them look good by then.
Basically everything about this movie was bad. The plot was exceedingly dull, yet simultaneously moved too fast — a rare thing to accomplish. The dialogue was awful and there were too many forced attempts at humor. One such scene was right after Reed's setup line to the effect of "We'll have to get used to living together." What followed was a horrible montage with horrible music of them having all the cliche moments of living with roommates. Reed walks in on Sue in the shower. Johnny puts whipped cream on Ben while he's asleep. Hilarity ensues.
I never could figure out the villain of this movie, who was one of Marvel's most iconic villains — Dr. Doom. He never really felt that bad for the first half of the movie. He was a successful businessman who was led on by Sue for two years. I mean, he almost proposed to her, but she always loved Reed more. Is that Victor's fault? He was also blamed for the space accident and then kicked off the company board for no real reason. He only started to act remotely evil when his skin started to peel off to reveal metal underneath and electricity started shooting out his hands. Is that a normal power of Doom's? I always thought he was just an evil genius? But we don't see him do anything remotely intelligent here — he just kind of goes crazy and starts killing people. And then he decides he doesn't like the look of his peeling face so he puts on a really creepy metal mask that was awarded to him from Latveria for humanitarian work. What kind of an award is that?
I also hated the ending. Doom takes away the Thing's powers, then Ben realizes the others need his help, so he goes back into the machine specifically designed to take away his powers. Through the magic of Hollywood, Ben instantly becomes the Thing again, even though his original transformation took three days. Then they all team up and beat Doom with ... a fire hydrant. Yep. That's how you defeat one of Marvel's most powerful villains and the inspiration for Darth Vader. But don't worry — Doom survives!
I had no idea I hated this movie so much. I could not find any redeeming qualities in it. I feel like they spent too much time showing how it sucked to be the Thing, Reed Richards was boring, Sue Storm was annoying and Chris Evans was mis-cast as the Human-Torch. The main villain made no sense and had no motivation and everything on a whole was just poorly done. If I reviewed this movie in 2005, I probably would have been impressed with the special effects, but today they look just awful. So sadly, Fantastic Four shares the same fate of Batman and Robin, Superman III and Spider-Man 3.
Final score: 0
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