Well, now it's time to get to some not-so-good Batman films. Today it's Tim Burton's 1992 sequel, Batman Returns, starring Michael Keaton, Danny DeVito and Michelle Pfeiffer.
Right off the bat (get it? ... Bat? It's a pun! Oh, nevermind), I have to take off a point because Penguin is not a monster! But this movie certainly thinks he is. At the beginning, he's a baby that, while locked in his cage, grabs the house cat and eats it. As an adult, he is nothing less than grotesque. He's filthy, greasy, slimy, constantly drooling black ooze and dirty in every conceivable way. That is not the Penguin!
But this movie did get a couple of aspects about the Penguin right, like the trick umbrellas. He had a nice array of sword umbrellas, machine gun umbrellas and helicopter umbrellas. In fact, I liked them so much that I'll raise the score back to a 5.
Now it's time to go back to taking away points. Catwoman is not a monster! But in this movie, she is a lowly secretary who is pushed out of a window by her evil boss after she discovers his evil plans. The fall does kill her, but she is brought back to life by cats licking her. Yeah ... This revival not only made her go insane, but also gave her incredible fighting abilities to the point where she can beat up Batman. She also somehow figures out that she has nine lives, and she actually does die eight times in the movie. Lame!
Shortly after Selina Kyle becomes Catwoman, we get our first glimpse of Penguin's giant rubber duck. I don't know why I like it so much, I have absolutely no reason to like it so much, but I do, and I'll add a point for it. If anyone disagrees, they're wrong! It's awesome!
Remember how in Batman nobody knew who Bruce Wayne was or what he did for work? This movie fixed that problem with a short, but nice scene with Bruce playing the tough businessman against the evil Max Shreck, played by Christopher Walken. In this scene, it's established that Bruce is on good terms with the mayor and will do everything in his power to stop Shreck from building his fake power plant (it is a nonsensical evil scheme, but it's nice to see Batman fight it). Bruce even comes right out and tells Shreck he knows he's working with the Penguin, who he knows is a criminal. It was nice to see them finally understand the character of Bruce Wayne. The score is now a 6.
This movie really does have better fight scenes than Batman, and I was about to add a point for it until Batman started killing people again. He kills Catwoman once, indirectly kills Penguin at the end, and very deliberately destroys two henchmen. One of them was a fire-breather and Batman turned the Batmobile around and blasted him with the jet engine, engulfing the guy in flames. Later, Batman was trying to get rid of a bomb (not in a funny way, unfortunately) and he ran into a big tough guy. Batman punches the guy, but it does nothing. So he put the bomb in his pants and pushed him off a bridge. We see the bomb go off and Batman smiles. Who is going to stop this murderous vigilante? Where's Superman when you need him?
But I will add a point for a nice bit of continuity and the movie producers admitting they made a mistake. When Bruce is on a date with Selina, he tells her about Vicki and how he scared her away by telling her too much. Later, he chews out Alfred for bringing Vicki into the Batcave. Good job! You can't undo what has been done, but you can admit it was a mistake. We're back up to 6.
We fall back to a 5 after one incredulous scene, where Penguin somehow gets the blueprints to the Batmobile and takes over its controls. This is not a bad idea in itself (Batman: The Animated Series did a good job with it), but it has to be properly executed, which it wasn't in this movie. They never explained how Penguin got the blueprints and for some reason Penguin took the time to build a miniature Batmobile ride (complete with a bat-shaped steering wheel) to sit in while controlling the real Batmobile. Batman is able to locate the controlling device under the car, which he gets to by punching a hole through the floor of his car. Come on, Batman's strong, but not that strong.
One thing I have to compliment the film on (and all Tim Burton's films) is that it is visually interesting to look at. I know that's not very refined, allow me to explain: I like the use of contrasting colors, most notably the white snow set against the dark Gotham City. One scene I'll add a point for is when Bruce and Selina attend a masquerade ball without masks. Everyone is wearing a mask except for them — but they really are disguising their true identities. They even say they're tired of wearing masks.
At the end of the movie, Penguin reveals that his big plan the whole time was to kidnap every first-born son in Gotham and throw them in the sewer, like what happened to him. We see his clowns picking up a bunch of kids and then we see a monkey deliver the Penguin a handwritten note from Batman, saying the children will regrettably be unable to attend. It really feels like a scene was missing here because Catwoman suddenly showed up out of nowhere, looking all beat up. Regardless, it would have been really nice to see Batman actually save the kids. It would have added some action to this lackluster climax.
When Penguin realizes his initial plan was thwarted, he initiates his contingency plan, which is to send an army of penguins into the center of the city with rockets on their backs. He delivers a long and windy speech to his birds and then watches as they slowly make their way to the town center and then sit there and wait for a 15-second countdown. Finally, Batman is able to jam the signal and tell the penguins to walk back home. This was just a bit much for me. The score is now a 4.
Finally, I have to take off one more point for the cheesy and dirty script. I tried to ignore most of the cheesy lines, but they got to be too much after a while. The one that put me over the top was Batman telling Catwoman to eat floor because it's high in fiber. Adam West can say that line, but Michael Keaton shouldn't. I was also really put off with how dirty the movie is. When Penguin isn't thinking about murder, he's thinking about sex, which was just wrong and gross.
I really did forget how bad this movie was, and I now know why nobody talks about it anymore. I should have realized this sooner, seeing how Batman Forever is missing Michael Keaton and Tim Burton, and really can't be considered a direct sequel as this was to Batman (even though Havey Dent was nowhere to be seen). All in all, Batman Returns left a bad taste in my mouth. Hopefully the next adventure with the Caped Crusader will be more entertaining. Hopefully.
Final score: 3 out of 10
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